A Little of Everything

First Pac-12 Basketball Game (Go Ducks!)

2012-02-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

Well, the lovely Sarah took me to my very first Pac-12 basketball game last night, to watch the Huskies ~~beat up on~~ play the ASU Sun Devils. While a little bummed that my first game wasn't at Mac Court, I love sports and was still excited to go. As always, the two of us had a great time. On my night where I was trying to be healthy, however, we started our happy hour with two orders of cajun tots,a cheeseburger and a garden burger, and then we shared popcorn and a soda at the game. Fail. I think they'll come a time when I can no longer eat like that, but I hope that day is far, far in the future.

It was a little bittersweet for Sarah - her bf is the assistant director of marketing at UW, so he is the one that hooks us up. However, he just accepted an amazing opportunity as a marketing director at LSU, so I assured Sarah that freebies to SEC sports have to rival freebies here in the Pac-12.

And we brushed shoulders with Mr. Shawn Kemp at halftime - which would have been way cooler if I'd known who he was without Sarah pointing at him and whispering :)

Finally, the last lesson: When looking up at the Pac-12 score reader board, do not say, "Go Ducks!" when you see them ahead at Husky basketball arena. Just sayin'...I think this lesson applies across the board, really, whenever you're in rival territory. But now, in the safety of the free speech of the internet, I can say it as loudly and as proudly as I want: "GO DUCKS!"

What's in a Test?

2012-02-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

One of my first jobs before my first REAL job made me take a personality test. Someone was talking about personality tests at work today, and I couldn't remember my Myers-Briggs type indicator. So, I re-took it, and it's astonishing how accurate it is:

Here are the details, from personalitypage.com:

I'm an INFJ: Guess we're pretty rare; only 1% of the population tests out this way.

We need to have things orderly and systematic - have you seen my desk and my living space? Immaculately clean and organized.

"INFJs know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it." - so, so true.

"Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals." Strange how spot-on this is with how I am.

And, finally; "The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement." Does this mean I'm special? :)

I really hate being pigeon-holed into a personality type, but I must say it was right on the money. I highly encourage you all to take a personality test and see what it says about you!

A Chorus Line!

2012-02-13T10:34:00.001-08:00

I went to see A Chorus Line this weekend (oh, among other things...) and I had a really great time. Having not grown up in a musical theatre family, I'm slowly having those particular horizons expanded by friends here in Seattle that are, for lack of a better word, obsessed with the genre.

I loved the dancing, the music, the story...I wish the lead dancer, Cassie, would have been better to watch. She was really flat, and I felt completely un-drawn to her on stage - even during her big solo number.

I was also a bit surprised at the crass nature of the script. While those who've known me for a couple years now here in Seattle know how far I've come in that area, I still lean toward the prim and proper side of things and was a little shocked at the sexual nature of the language. There were people who brought kids there! They must not have known that the script was like that...I certainly wouldn't have imagined.

But overall, great fun!

Strings in Bands

2012-02-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of meeting and interviewing the lovely Rozanna Weinberger of Rozanna's Violins while at NAMM. While trying to do a wide variety of articles, I couldn't resist a trip through the strings section to play with all the fiddles. Here is the link to the article I did about strings in rock bands, and Rozanna's company.

I forgot to take photos while at NAMM, so I literally had three rather blurry ones on my phone when I got back. But I'll share them with you anyway. Here's Rozanna going to town on one of her designer fiddles...and that cutie with the guitar is who I'm going to go see in NYC next week.

Another cool company I came across - who I meant to go back to and chat with, but ran out of time for - was Molecules Drum Company. Look at this drum kit! Each drum is shaped like a water droplet, and I guess they're pre EQ'd and have just a monster sound that's great for both live performance and studio recording. Right about now, the photo uploader has decided to stop working, but that's okay - I think you should see the photos on the site anyhow.

The Call of the Queso

2012-02-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

The best queso in town is served up hot and spicy and Laredos. And, during HH, you can get this lovely dish for a measly $4. Truly a steal. I've always chosen HH places for the food specials rather than the drink specials, because I really can't have more than 1 and then expect to still work out later. And Laredos HH food menu is amazing.

However, due to Laredos' proximity to my old home (1 block) and the fact that it used to be my go-to HH place, it naturally fell into the no-go radius that I instituted after the break up. After all, minimizing contact is key when you're working to move on.

But I just couldn't resist its siren song. It had been calling to me for awhile, and when Sarah mentioned she had a queso craving well...I caved.

So last night was strange. I followed my old commute home in the sunshine, realizing how much I'd missed it. I sat at the high tables like I like. I ordered my queso, the al pastor tacos, and the tecate can. And we had a great time.

Until. Sarah said, "Don't look at the man out the window." Naturally, I turned my head to look, expecting him to have three heads or something. Instead...it was my ex. It hurt me more than I thought to see him, and I almost started crying, which surprised me. I've been in a really good place with all that, and am going to NYC next week to spend time with someone I'm really excited to see and get to know better, and...still. So we quickly played a round of the game we made up last month for just this situation, and then took off to join her friend in watching some ridiculous reality show in which women vie for one man's attention, which ABSOLUTELY made me feel better about my current dating situation.

But the queso...the queso...

And I can Feel the Sun on my Face

2012-02-06T11:40:00.001-08:00

Did you all enjoy the unseasonable warmth and sunshine this weekend? I absolutely did - who can stay inside when the sun is shining? It's funny the things I'm more apt to notice now. Here are some things I noticed/reinforced this weekend:

1) I feel my age. While I'm in better shape than I thought, after my hard, long run Saturday, I was much more sore the next day than I ever used to be.

2) I have trouble going inside when it's so beautiful, because part of me is afraid that the moment I'm admiring will never come again. And while that's true in one sense, I'm more afraid that I'll never see something so beautiful as what I'm looking at again. Because of that, I spent a good hour in the sculpture park looking out over the water, listening to music, and basking in the sunlight.

3) Motorcycles galore were out and about. I really wanted to go for a ride Saturday. I might have to break down and purchase one...

4) My hypothesis that all food tastes better at 3am was once again proved correct Friday night, as we went in search of tacos. Thanks be to the Fremont taco truck! And to the adorable college guys waiting next to us - one of them gave me one of his tacos! I tried to turn it down, but he was insistent, and finally, I was like, "Dude. If you give me that, I WILL eat it." I don't mess around with my 3am food intake. Sometimes being mistaken for a child works to my advantage after all.

5) I can whip out magazine features in a matter of 2 or 3 hours now, where before it was a painstaking process. I had a lovely couple hours Saturday afternoon at Uptown Espresso, where I just worked on feature and enjoyed the sunlight by the big window I was seated near.

6) I am a dip-making master. Really. Me and layered dips just...work. I'm assuming it's because I love eating them so much, that the "special ingredient" of love must go into them as I prepare them.

These Walls We Build, and Other First World Problems

2012-02-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I think I wasn't left with a lot after things ended. Then, on days like today, I realized I was left with some...we won't call them parting shots, per say, but "pearls of wisdom" offered to me by him on our last night together that have just served to sow seeds of doubt in my growing interest with the new person in the picture. I like to think he meant well, but I rather wish he wouldn't have said anything, and let me go about happily with what now seems like an antiquated notion of dating.

Exhibit A: It's not normal to be introduced to best friends and - in some cases - family on every 2nd date you go on.

My Mind: So, where does flying across the country for a 2nd date fall into that spectrum? Am I setting myself up for yet another unconventional dating experience? And...what? That's NOT normal?

I rarely accept first dates. Second dates...rarer still. I'm just...not into casually seeing someone. I either like them and want to explore things, or I don't bother. So - for better or for worse - this kind of seems like a totally normal thing to do when you're really excited about someone.

Exhibit B: People casually see many people at once for awhile, while they make up their mind as to who they like best.

My Mind: Does that mean there's an existing rotation of women I'm casually being slotted into? And, if so, I don't really want to go to NYC. I'm worth more than that.

And isn't it obvious when you like person A more than person B? Do you really need multiple dates to figure it out? I know dating isn't an equation (though we have one friend who would beg to differ :)) but if A > B, then, well, where's the confusion?

But...I have trouble believing that I'm indeed just another casual person to be thrown into the mix. While I'm under no illusions here, I don't understand why someone would go to the trouble he's been going to to get me to come, and be so persistent with the follow up, and is so good about being in touch every day, and so sweet and excited about everything he says and the future he wants to explore together, if I were just a random girl. I've had people be surprisingly interested and excited about me right away, but NEVER to this degree. And I don't think I misread the connection we had, or the interest and excitement I feel toward him. But every day we don't see each other, each time we push the trip out a week, the doubt grows just a little bit.

So the wall continues to be built. One analytical brick by analytical brick.

Other First World Problems
I was thinking about all this last night, as Mr. Happy Feet was up to his old tricks and keeping me awake. I deliberately named him "Mr. Happy Feet," because the name makes me smile. So, when I hear him upstairs and start to get all worked up, I find I don't get as annoyed as if his name were "Mr. Bowling Ball Feet." Because, well...it has the word "happy" in it.

On our way to HH, Suz and I were trying to figure out which dogs we should breed together to meet all of our ridiculous demands. Then I felt kind of guilty for actually wanting to create designer dogs, when there are so many pups in shelters looking for homes. But what if you bred an Aussie with, like, a Pomeranian, so it stayed little and fluffy? Cute, right?

I found it humorous that my property manager pulled me into a resident party as I passed the building's lounge last night after HH, and I managed to find and connect with the only non-residents there. I'm not into meeting my neighbors, after the last one I knew walked to the bus stop with a bow and arrow and kept inviting me to hear him play the lute at Renaissance fairs. So...I sort of have an aversion to being chummy with the neighbors, and have no interest in attending resident parties. So, I dodged a bullet and made two new awesome friends. Success!

Musicians: Protect Your Hearing

2012-02-01T09:35:00.000-08:00

One of my more illuminating interviews at NAMM had to be with the House Research Institute, where I learned all about protecting one's hearing - which is so important for anyone in the industry, or even just when you go to the occasional concert. It can only take one minute to damage your ears at the average decibel level of a rock concert!

You can read my story about healthy hearing here, and I also did a short blog post about the sound control men at NAMM, as well, on the same subject. You can read that one here.

When Porcupines Mate

2012-01-30T11:53:00.000-08:00

I got my popular culture fix this weekend. Seeing as how I have the energy of a sloth and it feels like porcupines are mating in my throat, I really wasn't up for too much. Thankfully, my friends felt the same. Not that I'd wish a sickness upon anyone, but...it was convenient that all we wanted to do was lie around and watch movies.

So, I'm happy to say I've finally seen Stars War. Near as I can tell, the movie has no discernible plot. That may be because I slept through half of it, but...

Sunday was another day filled with movies, as we're trying to see all the Oscar-nominated films before the Oscars. As I never go to the movies, that means I've seen exactly...0. So we went to the Harvard Exit - such a charming theatre up on Cap Hill - to see The Artist, and it was delightful. We were all a bit worried about going to see a silent film when we were all competing for "Best Cough," but it worked out okay. The leads are delightful, the story touching, and the cinematography top-notch. We interspersed movie watching with HH at List, and I realized I'd forgotten how amazing their HH menu is. Grilled Chilean sea bass for $7? Yes, please.

The second movie we watched was called Beginners, and it gave me hope as a writer. If yet another movie with no discernible plot can be nominated, then really all I need to do is kill off my most loveable character, throw in a couple existential lines, and have the romantic leads do something silly and childlike because "OMG-we're-35-and-we're-running-through-sprinklers-and-isn't-it-delightful!"

(side note: Running through sprinklers IS rather delightful as an adult. I mean, if I saw a sprinkler, I can't say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't run through it...)

The highlight had to be Saturday night, though, where my friends said farewell to Seattle music venue the Ballard Mine. To send it off in style, they had their "dream list" lineup of all their favorite bands to have come through over the years, so we were treated to 8 bands and 8 hours of live music, fun, food, and dance. I was amazed by the talent of the musicians, since I'm so used to the mediocrity that is 85% of local music. Please check out Say Goodbye to These, Jordon 0' Jordan, Scrumptious & The Backbeat, and goodness I'm not doing justice to the other soulful musicians, or dance party bands (Branch?). But yes - a sad day to see it go, but a way to send it off in style :)

What was That?!

2012-01-27T10:17:00.001-08:00

Diana joked that I was a machine, considering the pace I kept up during and after NAMM.

Well, this machine just broke. I've never had something come over me as quickly as whatever this was did. I was enjoying dinner and a glass of wine to unwind from the day, when my throat almost closed up because it became so sore. My head began to throb. I got the chills. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I stumbled to the bed, fell in, took a sleeping pill, and closed my eyes, hoping it would help.

I didn't open them again for 13 hours!

We used to always joke that I was a carrier, meaning I'd come home with a scratchy throat, take it easy for the night, and wake up the next day refreshed...whereas poor Andy would be knocked flat for days by whatever I brought home. Surprisingly, I do feel much better - it must have just been sheer exhaustion catching up with me, and forcing me to rest.

But glad I got that out of my system, so I can get back to my normal pace. Lots to do...lots to do...

And Now the Rest

2012-01-26T15:53:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm done blathering on about my new love interest and shamelessly self-promoting the magazine by linking to our coverage, I'll give you the ACTUAL run down on NAMM.

I arrived several hours late on Wednesday night, so other than a tour through Burbank and a lost debit card scare, Diana and I called it a night when we arrived at her place around 12:30 that night.

Thursday was a really good preparatory day, as I needed to get my bearings on the conference floor. There are literally thousands of vendors; you rub shoulders with (aging) rock stars; I played with lots of instruments; the male to female ration is probably 25:1; I chose my vendors for the day; learned how to post material on the site; and...met him ;)

Diana and I knew we had a lot of work to do in preparation for Friday, so we wanted a more low-key evening. We had dinner at an Indian restaurant where the waiter sat us down with two men to share a table because "the restaurant is too busy." So, overall, kind of weird, but it's always good to make new friends. We then headed back to Long Beach where we stayed with her sister...who is in college there...and lives with 5 other girls...and has only one bathroom. We were roughing it a bit that evening, but oh well. I hadn't couched surfed in awhile, so I suppose I'd grown a little soft. Trust me - four nights at NAMM with questionable sleep arrangements will toughen up even the softest of travelers.

Friday I got a taste of what it's like to be on a press team in the real world, and I LOVED the frantic pace. I literally worked from 9am - 5pm almost non-stop, conducting interviews with Dean Guitars, ProMedia Training, and the House Research Institute; writing my articles, and editing and posting the others' pieces as well, all while lining up my appointments for Saturday.

That evening, we got passes to the official NAMM after party, hosted by Dean Guitars, which was a concert at The Grove. Unfortunately, it was a metal concert, so we took two steps into the main concert hall, and then decided to hang out in the lobby by the bar instead. One of the bands that stayed with us this summer is from LA, so their lead singer/guitarist joined me for the evening and we had a blast catching up. We retired to The Hilton, where NAMM essentially moves after the convention center closes. It's a mad house in there on all levels - drinks, concerts, people...I was really glad the RWM press team room was in the hotel, because I exhaustedly lowered myself into bed around 3:00am for a couple fitful hours of sleep.

Saturday...had to be one of the strangest/best days/nights of my life. We were all hurting - just the sight of food and non-water beverages made me queasy - but I had a lot of work to do. I posted everyone's stuff; caught the musical demo I wanted; and then interviewed Rozanna for the piece on strings and bands, as well as Ricky Phillips of Styx. Afterwards, I met up with my date for what I thought would just be dinner, as I didn't think I could rally for anything else, but it's amazing what a little bit of whiskey will do...and I think I'll stop my recounting of Saturday with that :)

By the time I rolled into bed on Sunday evening, I realized I hadn't had any good sleep (or sleep at all) in quite some time. Mr. Happy feet was going through his paces, though, so good sleep needed to wait another night.

Overall...I'm so glad I went. I got pushed out of my comfort zone in so many ways, and that's how we grow, how we evolve, how we break out of routine, and how we find new opportunities.

Logistics

2012-01-25T14:45:00.001-08:00

Well, there's a reason not to date professional musicians - they are logistically impossible to see. I'm sure NOW I've heard every excuse for having to take off (meeting with labels, what?). But, we're both headstrong and determined people, so I know we'll figure something out so we can see if what we felt is real and worth continuing to explore. I think that it is.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying getting sweet notes during the day from someone I really connect with. And it's not like there have been any options in Seattle yet to lure me away from this challenge, so I'm up for it for the time being. But let this be a lesson to not accept dates while out of town, because you may just end up having the best first date of your life...or is that a reason TO accept? Who knows.

For now, I'm going about my day with a smile again, which I hadn't realized I'd missed so much.

Every. Single. Time.

2012-01-25T11:51:00.000-08:00

I believe I've mentioned this before here, but everyone has someone who has influenced them - even if you've never met. For me, that's Rick Reilly. Hands down, I've never read another writer with such an ability to make me laugh and cry in the same story; the ability to so sharply put things into perspective and focus. His piece on Joe Paterno is another shining example of this. I used to eagerly await the latest issue of Sports Illustrated as a child so I could flip to the back page and read his column.

When I write a story with 1/80th the amount of heart that Reilly does every time out of the gate, I will have considered it a success.

Thanks, Rick Reilly, for setting the highest bar.

Rock World Magazine NAMM Coverage

2012-01-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

Here's what myself and the rest of the Rock World Magazine press team were up to at NAMM - read it here!

And I promise, promise, promise to write a post about the rest of the weekend soon when my energy is back up.

Resistance is Useless

2012-01-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

Well: I'm in love.

Okay, not really. I'm way too practical to do that after one meeting, but now I understand where the adage "love at first sight" comes from. I was doing some work in the press room on Thursday, and I'd just missed a violin demo, where the amazing musician (I'm doing a feature for the magazine on her line later this week) was backed up by an incredibly adorable guitarist. But because I'd missed it, I just thought they were two other people in the press room...and I couldn't take my eyes off the guitarist. There was this strange energy coming from him that I was picking up on, and I felt instantly drawn to him.

My editor flagged them over to say what a shame it was that I'd missed the demo since I'm a fiddle player, too, so they busted it out and it was great. We exchanged information, and that was kind of that.

The next day, I had this feeling that I needed to run down to their booth. I wanted to do a piece about strings in bands (totally self-serving) and...I was hoping to see him again. When I arrived, the woman - who is this amazing powerhouse of energy...she's kind of like everyone's favorite crazy auntie - didn't say "hi," didn't say "hello" - she just said: "Oh, so-and-so's going to be so disappointed he missed you." I made an appointment to interview her the next day, and also stop by another booth where they'd be performing.

When I arrived the next day to listen to their performance, his face lit up when he saw me. When they'd finished, we started chatting briefly, and he asked me to dinner, which of course I agreed to.

It was so nice to feel excited about someone again, but I was a bit nervous since I was going on no sleep, and hadn't had any food during the day since I wasn't feeling so great due to some poor choices Friday night. So, I wasn't expecting a big night out at all. But when he insisted that if I took a shot of whiskey I'd feel better, I was skeptical. Then, I figured that someone who has spent a good part of their adult life touring and playing the LA scene probably knew what he was talking about. And...surprisingly, I was good to go after that.

I've never spent an entire night talking to someone, and connecting with someone, in that way. I can honestly say I had one of the best nights of my life. It's crazy, right, to have a date last almost 24 hours? I was saying earlier that I need someone who has passion and creativity and success in not just the business world, but in the artistic one as well. He has all those things...and then some. I am floored by his drive and his achievements in both worlds. He's headlined some of the biggest (notorious?) venues in LA, had a record deal out of college, and also somehow found time to graduate from a top-notch business school. He's the type whose idea of "settling down" is to be a professional songwriter and producer for a top-tier music publishing company just so he can be in one place for awhile.

I really can't wait to see him again. I'm supposed to go to NYC so we can get married (totally joking...okay...half-joking) soon, but I'm also practical. Once the high from NAMM wears off, we'll see if we're both still interested, or even if he calls.

But how refreshing to meet someone who could see me for me, and thought it was amazing. The things Andy thought were flaws (traditional, family values, NOT messed up), he valued. I suppose when you run in the NYC and LA scenes, you come across a lot of people that have been broken. Meeting him showed me how exciting it is to be single, to be able and open to meet that one person that you gravitate to on every level.

I'm not banking on anything, or even getting my hopes up for something, but if he does call now that we're both back to our lives...I think I'll give it a go.

Lucky Penny

2012-01-20T12:53:00.000-08:00

So far, so good - the lucky penny me editor, the lovely Diana, picked up on her way to collect me from the airport Wednesday night - has brought us much luck.

First, my $30 of free delicious wine while I waited for my flight; then, we found Diana's lost debit card 20 minutes after we left the airport...still in the airport parking lot; we got to bypass the press line at NAMM; found the ONLY parking spot left at the Hilton, and so on and so forth.

My favorite experience of the first day had to be when I retired to the press room to do some work. I'd just missed a violin demo, and when I mentioned to the vendor that I played, I got my own personal serenade!

The first day can be overwhelming, so I mainly wandered the floor to get my bearings and my story ideas, and met some of Diana's contacts. The connections and fame, in some cases, these people have is unreal when you're coming from a market like Seattle. Seriously - if you want to be at all involved in the music industry in any way, shape, or form - you've got to come to NAMM.

Diana and I closed out the night with a very...odd...dining experience at an Indian restaurant. Let's just say we made some new friends :)

Tonight and tomorrow are the big nights out, and we've got our passes lined up, so I'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying the experience, as I really am working hard during the day.

Time to run - I just finished up my morning's interview and article (with Dean Guitars) and am off for my afternoon appointments. Cheers!

Gearing up for NAMM and Other News

2012-01-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

If this unexpected "blizzard" stops, I'll be flying out to NAMM this evening. My main function there will be to handle social media and update the site with all of our content. Additionally, I'll be tasked with doing 1 feature and 1 blog post a day.

I have a couple of appointments scheduled - one with the bassist of Styx/Bad English, and another with the House Research Institute. But I've been looking over the vendor list, and it's almost impossible to choose where to spend one's time during the day. However, I am going to make it a priority to visit JZ Microphones tomorrow, where sound engineer Rafa Sardina - winner of 13 Grammys (though nominated 25 times), and whose clients include Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, and Shakira - will talk about his recent experience recording Lady Gaga's album "Born This Way", his recording techniques, and give some tips + a QA sessions.

Right after he speaks,gold and platinum record owner Bryan Carlstrom (The Offspring, Alice In Chains, Rob Zombie) will conduct a similar session.

As the actual NAMM conference during the day is just one part of the experience, I'll do my best to link to my coverage on the site here, but I'll use this blog to talk about the OTHER experiences.

And now onto other news...
I woke up a couple days ago and it was like a flip had switched. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel angry, I didn't feel wistful...I just stopped caring about it all. And it was nice to feel like me again. I think 10 weeks to get over a 3 year relationship is not too shabby...and that says loads about either my relationship or my coping mechanisms. Let's hope it's the latter, as I'd hate to think 3 years of my life didn't mean something.

Met some new people for trivia last night...and it reminded me how out of place I sometimes am. I'm too "churchy" for non-church goers, and not "churchy" enough for those that do attend. I think it's because it's a polarizing topic - a happy medium maybe isn't supposed to exist. But, let's just say that the scandalized looks on their faces when the visual round was revealed to be stick figure kama sutra...and the looks when I correctly identified them all...made us all realize that we don't have a lot in common and won't be hanging out again. Nice people, all of them - I just didn't belong. And that's okay. I do have a lot of awesome people up here, and each year I continue to find my niche more and more.

All These Things That I've Done

2012-01-17T10:08:00.001-08:00

Last night, the delightful Howard and Skye Wu had their baby! Let me just say that these two will be fantastic parents - after all, they have a lot of practice looking out for, cooking for, mentoring, and serving as role models for all of us "kids" here in Seattle. That is one lucky baby, and I couldn't be more happy for them.

And it's times like these that make one remember what's important in life, versus what only SEEMS important. I've done many things that some people think bring fulfillment. I've been in beauty pageants (scholorship.program.); I've won the big race; I've played in rock bands; I've interviewed rock stars and am a published writer; I've been that girl that sits in a pretty dress on the back of a convertible in a parade and waves to the crowd (you trying living that one down in your business classes the next morning).

But.

I am happiest when my niece shouts, "Auntie Lindsay! Auntie Lindsay!" when she sees me. I'm happiest when I'm playing board games with my family. I'm happiest when I'm chatting on the phone with my grandma, shopping with my mom, going to football games with my dad, cooking dinner with a significant other, or having heart-to-hearts with my brothers.

And tomorrow I head off to another one of those events that some think bring fulfillment - press at NAMM. While I know I'll have a good time and can't wait to go, I won't forget what's important.

Not what I'd planned, but exactly what I needed

2012-01-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

I got my hair done on Friday, right after work, so I'd look all spiffy for LA. And - not gonna lie - I have a total crush on my hairdresser, so it's nice to go in and chat with someone who gets me for a couple hours, have your hair washed, and leave feeling really good about the way you look. Plus, he confessed to loving to make really nice breakfasts in the morning, which, as many of you know, is the one meal I will not cook. If only it wasn't so darn hard to find people you trust with your hair...

Met up with some friends later in the evening, and had a blast. We learned some new games, went out for midnight pizza (midnight + any food item = delicious-ness), I used Uber again (so swanky), and you know the evening's been a success when you get a text at 5am that says, "I just woke up on the couch and have no idea how I got there."

I was supposed to go to a concert Saturday night, get some work done during the day, and meet up with an out-of-town friend on Sunday, but I was just soooo tired from my jam packed schedule as of late and needed to rest. Especially with LA coming up in a few days. So, I just took time for me instead, and it was nice that I'm at finally back to the place where I can enjoy being home alone by myself during the day. I think it was also helped because I was leaving to meet up with friends both nights, but still - definite progress. I watched an American Horror Story marathon, and checked out the movie, Moneyball, as well, since I realized I hadn't seen any of the Golden Globe and Oscar nominated movies. I really am bad with the popular culture.

And then...snow! I hadn't seen snow since Minnesota, and it was beautiful. I ventured out in it to Whole Foods, and think I forgot that snow is wet and sticks to you. I sort of thought it would fall all story-book like around me, but not actually touch me. No. But...I was really craving Nicoise Salad when I woke up, so off to the store I went. I also learned that telling the cute neighbor boy you just met that you were craving Nicoise salad is a weird thing to say. In fact, I met two sets of neighbors yesterday. One, the cute boy in the morning snow, and the second set when I came home around 10:30 that night. They were really funny, a little drunk, and overly-friendly. My favorite part though, was the fact that they didn't seem to realize that I could still hear them as soon as I left the elevator - those doors take forever to close. So, having them discuss my level of hotness was hilarious and flattering.

All in all - it was not the weekend I planned to have, but exactly the weekend I needed. Low key, lots of time spent with good friends, and relaxing.

Don't you breathe on me

2012-01-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

People: Please, please, please stop asking me out. I know I sound like a snob or a mean girl saying that, but I do really mean every word of it. And especially via impersonal avenues, like texts or facebook messages. If the first time I meet you organically I don't feel something, that's not likely to change. And it's insulting that people think that just because you're single, that you're clamoring for dates. I don't like dating, so I'm not likely to engage on even a first date unless there was really a spark. So just...don't.

I'm sort of surprised I haven't met anyone yet who excites me, because that first year in Seattle before I entered my previous relationship, I think the longest I went between people I was really interested in was three months.

I guess it means I've grown up, and know better now what I want. And the person that's handsome and creative and a dreamer...been down that road. The business man with his head on straight, but kind of boring and traditional...done that, too.

I need the person in the middle. The one who has a successful job and career drive, but has an artistic streak, or at least an appreciation for that. I want his determination to match mine, so we're always moving forward together. And I do need to be physically attracted to him, because I'm not looking for a friend/roommate - I'm looking for passion. And there's things I like doing with a partner that I want him to have. I want him to like travelling; to want to go to shows; to like cooking; to understand the importance of family; and to be active, so we can go on runs, hikes, bike rides, runs, etc together.

I'm holding out for the dream now. So please - just leave me be.

In Nature

2012-01-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

One of the things I miss most about living in a high rise is the amazing view of the sound and the mountains that we had. Often, I would perch on the window sill and stare out at the water, watching the sunset, feeling my soul restore.

I definitely needed that last night - though things have been 100% better since I instituted a facebook and music ban, basically wrapping wool around my eyes - so I went for a run down to the park there and leaned against the railing over the sound, hearing the water lap, smelling the salty sea air, and watching the sun lower itself behind the mountains in a soft wash of color. It wasn't the first time I wished I could take a picture with my eyes.

Speaking of loving nature, I am a literal tree hugger.

The original installation of the tree sweaters was timed to coincide with the International Yarn Bombing Day (yes, it exists).

This is such strange town in places, and that means something coming from someone who hails from Portland.

Things Not To Do In Public

2012-01-11T08:46:00.000-08:00

There are many things we all know we shouldn't do in public. Some disgusting, some just embarrassing. For example, it's best not to go about muttering under your breath, singing at full voice with headphones, imitating bird noises, and twitching.

I'll need to add writing in public to my list.

I headed to a coffee shop last night to work on the novel, and found that my habit of intensely feeling and imagining a moment before writing it down can be a bit...odd in public. In one instance, I was trying to perfectly describe that wonderful moment when the sun warms your face on a fall day, so I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes, trying to recall the memory. Someone tapped me on the shoulder a bit hesitantly and asked if I was okay.

In another moment, I was recalling a difficult conversation I'd had once, to put the emotion of it into my lead characters' exchange, and started crying softly. But I went with it, so that the scene would be infused with authenticity. Again...not so great to do in public.

But fuck it. I'm sort of in "anything you can do, I can do better" mode and if making a fool of myself in public is what I need to do to A) be productive and B) write the absolute best story I can, a story I can be proud to put on the market, use a publicist for, and try to make something of it...then that's what I'm going to do.

Except maybe I'll write the sad scenes at home.

First NAMM Assignment

2012-01-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

I got my first assignment for NAMM today, which succeeded in generating some excitement for the event.

I was a little hesitant about going to LA for 4 music/booze/party-filled days, but now that I see the neat pieces I'll do, the interesting people I'll talk to, and the fun music equipment I get to play with, I'm thinking this is a pretty good decision after all. Plus, I can't wait to meet the rest of the RWM team.

I didn't realize I'd be interviewing vendors for musician-interest/concert-attendee type pieces, and I think it will be good practice in a medium that I'm not used to writing in: reporting.

So, all in all, I think doing something like this will push me out of my comfort zone, create some amazing networking opportunities if I do want to pursue any music-industry related hobbies or jobs, and, well...I could use a good time. :)

So let us have another, but don't forget to smile

2012-01-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

I've had several people comment on how my openness in this forum - which, believe me, was a surprise to me, too - has really helped them through different issues they're experiencing/experienced. Which is why I feel it's important to continue to write in a semi unguarded way...though I have actually left out the deepest, rawest emotions - the things I won't say to anyone and which never will see the light of day here. I know some of you read for that, others out of morbid curiosity or what have you. So, if you're the latter, I hope you're not too disappointed when these types of posts start to show up with less frequency, because, really - I can only talk about this for so long.

But here's another:

Someone told me it takes half the time of the relationship for one to truly be over it. I hope that's not the case for me.

For the most part, I'm doing pretty good. I didn't have much of a relationship for the last 6 months of it - I was ignored, disrespected, betrayed, unappreciated, and basically just viewed as a checklist on some stupid life list. "Girlfriend? Check! Now, I can go focus on everything else." So, I think I did a lot of the processing one does after a break up while I was still in the relationship.

But then some mornings, like today, I wake up and find myself in tears for really no reason. And I don't understand how I can be sad about the loss of something like what I had at the end. But it must be because I can go a week or two now without feeling sad, without crying, so it gets bottled up. And it must be because I remember the first two and a half years, where things were SO different and I was SO happy. And it's because he's gone about his life like the three years we spent together didn't mean anything.

Well, it meant something to me. And not being in his life anymore means something to me, too. It means opportunity, yes, for me to do things my way, to maybe even meet someone new who treats me the way I deserve. It's freedom from a chain I didn't know I had, since everything revolved around him and his increasingly-ridiculous schedule. But it also means the loss of my favorite person to spend time with, the loss of supporting him and the activities he loves. The loss of seeing someone every day who knows you better than anyone else. The loss of the person you missed every morning when you left for work, and couldn't wait to see at the end of the day. That feeling never, ever changed for me.

So I find myself in this strange place where I'm so sad, yet happy and thrilled; this strange place where I'm full of anger, yet forgiveness.

I've done a pretty good job filtering out information, but some of it slips through. But the anger when certain information makes it through the net isn't full-on anger, anymore, like it was in the beginning. It's tinged with something else, something softer, something that makes the tears flow.

I guess that means I've moved to the last stage - acceptance. I went through denial, bargaining, and depression while still in the relationship, and those first raw weeks after the breakup. And then it was definitely anger, anger, anger. Now, I'm really coming to terms with everything, which means I can appreciate and love the relationship for what it was, not be in denial about what it wasn't, and just grieve in my own way until one day it hurts a little bit less.

And I won't forget what I learned from this relationship. I've learned that the other person deserves your 100%, always. I've learned that when it's not reciprocated, that it's important to have that conversation. I've learned that this is something I want and that makes my life fuller when it's right. Most importantly, I've learned to listen to my gut, that little voice inside that told me right from the start that we were never going to get married, that he's not the marrying-kind, and that I was just kidding myself that we were going to end up there someday because we were happy.
I won't live with someone again, either, before engagement or marriage. Living together didn't change my view of our compatibility - it wasn't like I learned anything about him or our living habits that I didn't already know. What it did change was that I was suddenly something that could be taken for granted, because an effort to see me didn't need to be made.

So, while it's been two months, I still hurt. A lot. But I'm so glad that every time I hurt, that I can also smile a little. Smile because things will be different now, smile at the opportunities in front of me, and smile that I'm out of a situation that seemed hopeless. Smile that I had a wonderful couple of years where I had so many great experiences, really grew as a person, met awesome friends, and finally felt like I had a home. Smile because I can be angry, but that I can also forgive because the joy and good things he brought outweigh the bad. I don't want to dwell on them, or remember them too much, as I need to let more of it go, but it helps me to forgive, to accept.

So I'm sad today. And I'll probably be sad lots of random days in the coming months. But there's always a silver lining, and I know what mine is now. So I'm going to look it right in the eye and hold on real tight.

Appreciation

2012-01-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

I recently learned I wasn't included in something that I should have been, and felt really unappreciated. Just one more reason, I suppose...the list gets larger every day it seems.

So I decided to counter that negative line of thinking, and instead think about what I appreciated over the course of the weekend. Here's my list:

I appreciate the stranger who paid our bill Friday night at Sazarac.

I appreciate getting to see good friends later on that evening and showing them the new place.

I appreciate a Saturday where I had a lazy morning, followed by an afternoon/evening of cooking delicious food, which I then got to share with my awesome friends that night. I appreciate discovering local smoke-flavored syrahs, like the delicious wine they brought.

I appreciate Sunday brunch.

Finally, I appreciate my body, which was able to go for a very long walk (9-10 miles) because I got lost several times. After having to rehash recent events 4 times in the course of a day and half - which happens when you catch up with people you haven't seen in awhile - I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I needed to cry. So I decided to appreciate the gorgeous January day we're having, and do something productive and good for myself. I walked all the way around Lake Union, which wasn't as straight-forward as I thought. There isn't actually a path that goes all the way around. But...after some wrong turns here and there, I did manage to find my way back.

And now I appreciate that I can have a restorative Sunday evening, with leftovers, tea, books, and movies. Just what I need before yet another week where I have social obligations every night. I think my first free night in the coming weeks is that Sunday that I get home from LA...yikes! But - I do it to myself. And I appreciate that I have enough friends that that's actually an option.

Baking Fish. Like a Boss.

2012-01-06T09:29:00.000-08:00

Fish Tales
The last two places I lived in before my current abode, I christened with making fish for the first dinner. Each time, I did it inside because it was winter. Each time, I got chastised for it. In his defense, I will say the Met Tower place smelled something awful for about 4 days after the inaugural meal, but the townhome handled my beer-battered fish tacos just fine. And they were delicious.

Long story short ("too late!"), I came away feeling I could never make fish inside my own home. Well...I had the lovely GK over for dinner last night and did a baked tilapia with tomatoes and herbs, and I'm happy to report that there are no fishy odors. Also, we learned that I don't know how to open the windows, so it's even luckier there was no residual smell.

I've been having friends over for dinner a lot lately (3 times a week?), because A) I want to keep my cooking skills up to date; B) I'm still enjoying that I can hang out with whomever I want whenever I want; and C) If I'm serious about getting back on track health-wise, there is only so much HH mac 'N' cheese I can consume. If I have people over, I decide the meal, and it will be healthy.

Core Fusion
Also on the health train...I've been taking those 2 hours between when I get home from work and when my evening plans start to work out. It was especially important before Wednesday movie night (Every Wednesday. My place. 7:30. Message me for details), where we inevitably consume cheese, cheese-based chips and crackers, and baked cheese goods. But oh my goodness are the core fusion videos hard! I think they are the best workout videos available on AVOD - I may or may not be something of an AVOD workout video connoisseur - and I ached like no other yesterday. Ahh...to be fit again. Feels pretty darn good.

Novel Progress
Working hard, every day. Pouring the energy that doesn't go into music into my book, and it's shaping up nicely. I know the real work begins once the novel is complete, but Kindle self-publishing is always an option.

I was asked recently where I would live, and what I would do, if I could do anything. My answer was that I'd be a writer living in the south of France, or Italy, or someplace warm. I think a simple life of cooking good food, beautiful scenery, and wonderful relationships while I write would be the perfect way to spend my time. I should figure that out.

One day, I will see one of these...

Devolution

2012-01-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me best know I love dreaming, and that I dream quite vividly. I also tend to work things out in my sleep, and my dreams last night couldn't have been clearer.

I was with my non-brother brother - who was the drummer in my old band - and we were going from venue to venue in downtown Seattle (which looked a lot like really just the corner of Westlake and 7th, with a bit of Bellingham thrown in) listening to bands play. It's obvious my mind is craving music in all its forms - listening to, creating, going to shows - and just as obvious that I'm not giving it what it wants. I haven't taken an assignment in 2.5 months, and am nervous about going to LA in a couple weeks for NAMM. But I can't do any of it yet. I think only when I wake up and am completely indifferent to it all will I be able to appreciate music again. I'm very slowly getting there.

But at one place, the song that came on was from my old band, one I didn't remember. Being in a band these days is much different than it was in the early 2000s. The tools for self-promotion and DIY recording - think youtube, protools, facebook - didn't exist. Promoting your band and capturing good quality recordings was hard and expensive. Therefore, we don't have a lot of recordings and while it seems unfathomable while you're in the thick of it, there does come a time when all bands cease to be. And when you no longer play the songs, and you don't have a way to listen to them, you forget.

Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, though, the songs live on. And one in particular was played, with every note and every lyric brought to life only by my sleeping mind. The song was called "Devolution," as all of Riley's songs were intellectual. Think lyrics similar to the style of Rocky Votolato.

The other thing that happened at each bar was that I was being asked out. Constantly. And was saying no. Consistently. I think that's pretty clear! Yes, I want to be in a relationship again...like now...but I'm too damn picky. A friend was telling me earlier this week that I should sign up for an online dating site just to go out on a bunch of dates. That's not my style, though. I have never felt the need to date whoever happened to be there, or was convenient, just to fill a void. For those of you who have, I'm sure you'll tell me that those relationships never end well. I do think I'm ready, though. There have been a couple recent prospects that I put a wall up toward, but the fact that I could appreciate them and have a good time with them - and not compare them to him - was a sign that I am ready if an opportunity presents itself. I just know there are a couple things he has to have right from the start if I'm going to invest my time. And...it's kind of nice being able to schedule whatever I want, whenever I want. I've been having a lovely (and busy...and exhausting) 2 months with the cool people that inhabit this city.

So, I was hesitant to wake up this morning, hesitant to leave a place that my soul needed. But glad that I can go to that place in a way that doesn't hurt, doesn't bring tears to my eyes. A place that gives me what I need without taking anything in return. I have a feeling I'll be going back there again one of these nights very soon.

Under the Hanging Lights

2012-01-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

I was in a rather odd mood Monday night and all day yesterday. When I got home from work, I knew I didn't want to join up with my standard Tuesday night plans, but I didn't want to be home either. So I pulled on my Oregon Duck sweats with pride and went out in the rainy night for a run.

I ran down to the sculpture park to look out upon the water. I went up Broad and hung a left on 5th, flying past the Space Needle. I took a deep breath and turned down Mercer, recreating my old commute because I'm trying to confront places that remind me of my old life and create new memories there. As I stood on the intersection of Mercer and Dexter, I was inspired to cut through the UW Medicine Research center. I remembered a Spring night last year where, on our way to a date at Flying Fish, he took me through there as a shortcut, but it ended up taking longer because I made him stop and just...be for a moment. That was always harder for him than for me.

See, there's this wonderful boardwalk with hanging lanterns floating above, giving off a delicate light. Because of the rain, the boards were slick (I heard movies often make streets wet before filming because it looks more dramatic) and I could see the lights reflected in its shiny surface. And so I stood there, remembering that night. And I remembered how good it feels to just stand still sometimes and appreciate the simplicity of the beautiful things that surround us.

I can find, can create, those perfect moments of happiness and stillness all on my own. My goal will to carve that time out for myself each day, so I can truly appreciate each day, and not feel like life is a grind to slog through - which is how it's been lately.

If you have a space where you go to make you feel whole, let me know :)

Rose Bowl Victors

2012-01-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

What a fun day we all had yesterday. We made the most of our day off from work, by starting it early to be at Red Door for the 10:00am kickoff of the Nebraska bowl game. Alumni associations have official viewing location sponsors all around the country, and Red Door hosts Nebraska's. So, it was fun to be at the bar with many kindred spirits to watch the game. The unlimited coffee, and running into another group of friends while there, weren't too bad either. It's a nice feeling to have been in Seattle long enough to run into not one but two sets of friends while at a random location.

We then moved half of our group to our friend Mike's to watch the Rose Bowl. I refuse to watch Duck games in public - my outbursts and tendency to pace don't work so well in a public place. Besides, it's fun to bring your own beer and eat the delicious layered dip you make. (Side note: My recent successes in this field mean I'm officially going to be in charge of making and bringing any kind of dip to all gatherings). It was so good to see my Duckies finally pull out the big win in the big game.

Finally, we couldn't end the day of football without watching the Fiesta Bowl. I was sad for the Pac-12's loss, but still - what a game!

3 football games + 3 location changes + 12 hours of football + getting to hang out with 10 of my friends over the course of the day = one fantastic day.

I also spent a good chunk of the morning today researching noise reduction solutions, if moving isn't an option. I have no problem asking my neighbor not to do jumping jacks or play music loudly after a certain time of night, but I can't really go up and ask him to "please go to bed and to sit still for a change" in his own apartment. So hopefully Amazon delivers me a nice solution so that I can rest easy again. That slight feeling of being able to exert some control over the situation is improving my day.

New Year's Realizations

2012-01-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

1. I'm not going to make it another 10 months living under Mr. Happy Feet. We had another "chat" last night, but I need to talk to my landlord about switching units. Every time he walks, my dishes rattle - that's how heavy-footed he is. And he's constantly in motion. He didn't go to bed until 3:00 last night, after he finished his OCD routine of obsessively walking over every square inch of his apartment 117 times. Which means I didn't go to sleep until after 3:00 last night.

2. Drinking tea in bed to unwind at night has become exponentially more dangerous since I got an electric blanket.

3. I still have a lot of unresolved anger that I need to work through. While I have every damn right to be furious considering what was done to me, I thought I'd let a lot of it go. But I realized yesterday that I hadn't. Something yesterday - and I really don't know what, since I had an AWESOME day with friends - triggered an anger response. By the time I got home, I was furious and felt the need to lash out, which isn't productive for either of us. So, if you actually read this, which I hope you don't, I suppose an apology is in order. Though you owe me one, too, and it bothers me that you haven't once said those words to me.

4. Napkin notes are delightful. How else would we remember the abominable gamecock?

5. How I spend my time has really changed; the things that make me happy (with one obvious exception) haven't. So maybe that's why there's still a sense of sadness that tinges my days?

6. I really do have the metabolism of a hummingbird. But, I've gotten back on track with exercise anyway because it really does lift the mood, keeps one healthy, and keeps me feeling good about the way I look, which is important right now.

7. I miss having someone to make me chicken noodle soup when I don't feel good, or a special someone to meet up with at the end of the day when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed (like I did today).

8. Heartache doesn't actually kill you - at least not at this age. Since it doesn't, the only thing to do is to be open to life's opportunities and try, try, try.

9. There are a lot of cool people in this city. I'm enjoying getting to know them.

10. I am incredibly open about what should be a private thing (duh), but incredibly private about new prospects in that area.

11. I'm worth more than I was given credit for, and I'm going to be okay. It's taking awhile, but I'll get there.

12. Life can change so much in a year. And it's up to me to make it happen.

Last Thoughts on 2011

2011-12-31T10:33:00.000-08:00

Apparently, you can still wake up in a cold sweat even with an electric blanket. I had such horrible dreams last night; perhaps a combination of yesterday's conversations and media consumption - stalkers, zombies, him? I was running a lot. Running to him; running from this random stalker guy in the middle of the mall; running from theatrical zombies toward a monkey tree in the middle of the field (and after I'd just taken their picture and everything! Perhaps they didn't like the flash?). I expended a lot of energy in my sleep last night.

I'll be happy to put this year to bed today. It hasn't been a great one, which is funny, because it got off to such a terrific start. We went to Leavenworth twice for amazing romantic couple time, and I'd just started with the magazine. We had an incredible experience of playing at the EMP Sky Church Stage. But then it all went downhill in April. I had to move three times; my family went through some pretty tough times; I got broken up with on my birthday, only to then have my heart more firmly broken 2 months later; I watched those around me morph into people I didn't even recognize.

On the bright side, this was also the year I finally got published; I got to see a lot of amazing concerts for free; I interviewed rock stars; I started writing that novel and have stuck with it; and the last 2 months have shown me how much my friends in Seattle actually do care about me, and weren't just my friends because I was dating Andy.

But the melancholy of waking up alone on a Saturday morning where I have several hours to kill before I see anyone is tough. And familiar - all of 2008 was like that. So I know that it eventually goes away. It was heightened, probably, by my walk home last night/early this morning. I was making my way along 1st Ave to Blanchard so I could cut up the hill and go home, and I had to push through the throngs of bodies and clouds of smoke that is Belltown on a Friday night. Everyone looked so empty to me, like they were all on display, but not actually real. And then one of them reached his hand out to grab my arm - I think he must have wanted my attention and to show off to his friends (or something equally lame) - and it was as if I were an electric fence. Maybe it was the look on my face, or the tenseness in my limbs, but he snapped his hand away so fast when he met my arm and mumbled an embarrassed apology. I ignored him completely and pressed on.

It was nice to have several different NYE invites - NYE is the one night of year that I do actually feel obligated to go out and have fun with people. It's tough because that's the day we met, tough because I can't believe that it's been 3 years to the day since I met him and my life changed irrevocably for the better. So I do find myself feeling melancholy today. I know I have a kazillion things to do today before the evening starts and blogging isn't one of them, but this helps me to put my thoughts down, so I can put my thoughts away.

I always do a "what I want in the new year" post, but I'm not going to this year. I think I said it all last year. I still want those things, and will focus on finding what makes me happy, building relationships with those I care about, and being a better person.

And so I get out of bed now. If not with a smile, then at least with resolution. I have to believe that every day is the day something amazing is going to happen. And if I don't put myself out there, and strive to be happy in my own right, then that day will never come. It happened once, three years ago, and I have to believe it will happen again. One step at a time...or 7 steps, because that will take me to the kitchen where I will attempt to poach some eggs. I haven't actually made breakfast for myself in three years, but if I can cook a pot roast, I think I can poach some damn eggs.

Carry on, kids. Be nice to one another. And come over and make me breakfast on the weekends?

Unfresh Mozzarella and Other Things I Find in Pockets

2011-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things about winter is that delightful moment when you put your hands in the warm pockets of a coat you haven't worn in months and feel a piece of paper in there. Is it money? Concert tickets? Random receipts?

Yesterday, I threw on my leather jacket before heading out to the UW bowl game viewing party (yay Baylor!), thrust my hands in its pockets, and felt some random crumples of paper in there. I pulled them out and saw they were ticket stubs from the Victoria Clipper vacation in September, and a grocery list that had both "fresh mozzarella" and "un-fresh mozzarella" listed as ingredients. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry at the absurdity of the request and finding the tickets, and settled instead for shaking my head ruefully before throwing it all in the trash and darting out the door to a waiting car.

The funny thing about being single again is that I'm apparently putting out "come hit on me" vibes that I'm entirely unaware of. Other friends who went through an uncoupled stage have said the same thing. My father had a very, um, direct term for it that I won't share here, but there must be something to all that science behind sex appeal. And while flattering, it's still a really new adjustment for me.

I think the largest adjustment is dealing with being inappropriately pursued. I'm not a pawn, nor a diversion, and to be approached as either one of those things is disrespectful. So, it's a good thing that I don't look to someone else paying me attention to fulfill me, or to give me self-worth, because it makes ignoring inappropriate requests a no-brainer. And I'm starting to be more aware of how my behavior is viewed by the opposite sex. I have a lot of interests, so I find that making conversation with a variety of people is easy - it's a new thing to realize that what I take to be casual conversation sometimes can have a different meaning to another person.

There are a lot of things to navigate as I get older, but now I have much more experience and self-confidence to help me through it. And a much simpler grocery list. Un-fresh mozzarella...

Food Network Fitness, Out Like Pluto "Take Cover" Review

2011-12-29T09:43:00.000-08:00

Food Network Fitness
I headed down to the gym last night, thinking I'd get in a quick run before my friends came over for the evening. I turned on the TV in the workout room and my plans completely fell apart. Food Network was available, which is basically like cable crack. Literally, if there is a cable TV anywhere near me, I'll immediately turn it to Food Network.

There was an episode of Good Eats on, and the featured item was macaroni and cheese. So naturally I had to stay on the treadmill until the episode concluded. And then Chopped: All-Stars with the JUDGES as competitors came on next, so there went another hour...

All in all, I worked out for an hour and a half, all because I wanted to watch Food Network. Which is how Food Network contributes to my fitness. Anytime I need a Food Network fix, I'll just go down there and workout so I can watch the TV, since I can't in good conscious just stand around the workout room doing nothing...

Out Like Pluto Take Cover Review
And walking on the treadmill that last 45 minutes felt so good. I used to get a daily 25 minute walk in to and from work, and I miss it. It just loosens the muscles and calms the mind. I usually spent that time listening to Out Like Pluto, but Food Network is a quite pleasant alternative.

Because I've only heard the new album, oh, about a thousand times, I thought I'd give it a quick review and encourage you all to buy it when it drops next month (I'm not sure of the exact date - you can check their Facebook page or website for details, as I avoid both of those things these days for obvious reasons).

The new album shows SO MUCH growth. The main issues you've told me about with the first album were the lack of a consistent sound, and the vocals. I think those issues have mainly been rectified. I'll tackle the consistency issue first.

On Take Cover, Out Like Pluto really honed in on that pop-rock sound that they did so well in "Stamos" and "Treaty," and it was the right call. Most of you have heard the first single "Bridge" by now, and that's the main sound they went for in the majority of tracks. The only ones that really stray from that are their acoustic cover of a track off of "9th & Virginia," a Faint-inspired song (which is my personal favorite), and the already-released single, "Are We There Yet?" which is probably my least favorite track. But the overall driving beat of tracks like "Where to Begin" and "Placebo" are perfect for summer car trips, fast runs, and are just plain fun.

The second issue I'll tackle are the vocals. While they will probably always be the Achilles heel of the band, I will say to those of you who told me you can't listen to the album because of them that you should give it a second chance. Studio magic and personal growth have resolved most of the main issues, those being: 1) Pitchiness (yay audio-tune!); 2) Thin, nasal sound (reverb and harmonies); 3) Doesn't fit in with the music (the mixing console and skills adjusted the levels and other factors to weave them in). Overall, while there are still some notes that make me cringe, I'm really impressed with the improvement.

Honestly, though, the thing that raises Take Cover up a notch over their first album is the production. Yes, the song-writing is much improved, but differences like miking the acoustic drum kit, and Andy's mixing skills, are what give the album a polished sound. The effects I watched him create from nothing while mixing the tracks add SO much to the album. It took a lot of creativity to hear a random sound and distort, cut and stitch it into the final track. So many times I wondered, "where's he going with this?" but patiently didn't say a word and just listened. And every time, his instinct was right. I think it's quite amazing that he knew in advance what he needed to record because he just had an idea of how it would fit into the final track. I'm specifically thinking of a cool vocal effect he did with his voice on "Early Warning," but there are so many other areas where he recorded so many pieces and put them expertly together.

I know a lot of blood, sweat and tears from the band went into this album. I gave up my downstairs for a month so they could mix. I gave up my boyfriend for 6 months so he could do this, and it ultimately cost me my relationship. Which, again - totally a good thing. If someone chooses a band over me, I don't want that person anyway. So, at the end of the day, the least you can do for me is take a listen, support the band, and tell me if you think it was worth it. I'd like to think I'm worth more than an album, but I don't know...if it's a really good one... :)

Zen Habits

2011-12-28T14:37:00.000-08:00

Please meet my new favorite blog, Zen Habits. Many of his posts start with a profound quote from one of humanity's great thinkers that serve to inspire, and, in many cases un-inspire - at least in the sense that they remind us to ask ourselves WHY we do what we do, and if it doesn't bring us joy, then it challenges us to drop the things from our life that only serve to confuse and complicate.

It's part of several questions we should ask ourselves every day, the main one being "Am I happy? Am I creating something for the world?"

That was sort of my New Year's epiphany at the start of the year, if you remember the post I did on being happy. Amazing what's changed in a year for me - I'm on to apartment number 3! - but I think the feeling/desire I stated then still holds true.

So I wanted to share with you a source of that I find really helps me to take a deep breath and re-prioritize my life.

It's Electric!

2011-12-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.......

Sometimes, we receive a gift so well-suited for our needs, that we can't believe we lived life without it. Boys and girls, I give you (drumroll): the electric blanket.

Clearly I'd been complaining a little too much about the very first-world problem of being cold at night, despite a well-insulated new apartment, sweats, blankets, and a comforter. In fact, I tend to run hot at night, and usually end up kicking the sheets off in a bout of mad fury before the night is over. So I couldn't understand why I was suddenly so very cold at night in the new place. I mean, sure, there's one obvious heat source that's missing, but other than that...puzzling.

It's really quite simple to operate. I turn it on to about an 8 while I get ready for bed, ensuring my bed is nice and toasty when I get in. Then, I turn it down to a 2 when I turn out the lights, to keep a subtle and gentle heat source going throughout the night. As I've been having trouble sleeping lately, it's so nice to wake up and not be shivering, but rather be soothingly lulled back to sleep. It provides the relaxation of laying in the bathtub, but without the water. If only I could find a way to add essential oils to it like I do the tub...just imagine the possibilities - if it radiated heat AND lavender or jasmine?!

The best part? It no longer looks like a tornado went through my bed when I wake up in the morning. Clearly the heat relaxes my muscles, so I no longer toss and turn and kick and...

If you're curious about which one is right for you, another very first-world problem non-profit foundation exists: The Electric Blanket Institute. I personally have a Biddeford, but the foundation has a personalized recommendation service if you want to go that route.

It's the little things, these days, I tell ya.' And no, you cannot all come over for a sleepover now that you know I have this.

Never Liked It Anyway

2011-12-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

I came across this article today on GOOD, one of my favorite sites. I know I'm all venty/emotional about the breakup now (blah, blah, blah), but these people are taking the idea of purging a bit far, don't you think? If you don't take the time to click on the link, essentially it just describes that there's a whole website dedicated to re-selling the things your ex got for you...except this website is too tainted by bitterness for my liking.

I can understand being hurt, being sad, and being angry (for a time), but I don't understand the all-consuming bitterness that you read throughout the items' descriptions, or what would lead one to selling those things on a site like that, when there are so many other avenues.

I can understand not wanting mementos around (all pictures are firmly tucked away), but thankfully we were both minimalists so there's not too many things lying around. And, I like everything he got for me over the course of the relationship. My computer, my kindle, my ipod, my favorite necklace...I'd be gadget-less and jewelery-less if I sold that stuff! Plus, I'd be really offended if I saw my ex selling things I'd purchased for him on a site that announces to the world that 'you never liked it anyway.' That just seems really...cruel.

But we all handle emotional times differently. Me? Clearly I'm blogging about it. But you want to know what I'm NOT doing? I'm not selling pieces of my life online, and diminshing their worth to me.

But, like I said, we all handle things differently. And perhaps the site is really funny and clever if you're not, I don't know, going through an actual break up :)

I can't hear my song just yet

2011-12-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

I got back to Seattle yesterday afternoon after a really nice Christmas, and had about 40 minutes until I needed to be at the homeless shelter where we volunteer every third Monday. As the shelter and train station are both in Pioneer Square, it didn't make sense to run home and back. So, I decided to go find a place to have a cup of tea and read my book.

As I meandered about, I came across one of the photo shoot sites of an old Out Like Pluto shoot from about a year and a half ago. And I remembered that day, how I held a flash for five hours because I was that devoted and supportive, and I felt tears spring to my eyes at the thought that my 100% was so easily discarded by another.

I stumbled into the Starbucks down on Yesler, eyes burning, and quickly took my tea to the bar-style table in the corner, where I sat at the window, looking out and quietly crying. And then I decided sitting in the corner crying or otherwise being introverted in a public place was INCREDIBLY lame and emo, so I sucked it up and read my book.

But I thought about that for the next few hours, while we were all serving dinner at the shelter. And I realized two things: 1 - That life could be much, much worse; and 2 - That I'm not as far along in the healing process as I thought.

The thought had been percolating for a couple days, but last night decided it. I'm not going to play with the band anymore. I really like those people, and I love playing and creating music, but this scene is just too small and I need distance from anything remotely connected to that part of my old life. It's sad, but music is a really painful thing for me still.

Did you know I haven't listened to a single song by choice in almost 2 months? Everything on my iPOD was put there by another, and anytime I might want to choose to stream something, it's an artist that was suggested to me by someone else.

I also don't have access to any of my music anymore. For three years, someone else took over that for me and I let him because he has great taste. But now, it's almost too daunting to rebuild a musical collection (hello cloud services - where were you three years ago, huh?).

So that's the decision I've made, and I think it's the right one. I'm tired of being sad about the loss of something I don't even want anymore. I do think I've made some progress, though - one of the girls there said I seemed like I was doing a lot better from the last time she saw me. But later on at Fados, though, I had to laugh. After feeling like this decision was a good step forward, and that I needed to focus on building relationships with the new people around me and not those in the music scene, would you guess what happened? The guy sitting across from me...owns the High Dive. But the point is that it doesn't matter where I go to make new friends - inevitably Seattle is just too small of a town.

But I kind of think that was a special message from the big guy, telling me that while it's okay to turn my back on music for awhile, that he's going to keep throwing opportunities to play at me until I'm ready to seize them again.

How to Cure a Cold

2011-12-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

Thus proving laughter is the best medicine...

Day 1: Do the things the doctors say. Take your vitamins. Drink dandelion tea for liver strength while you purge the toxins from your body, and then switch to burdock root tea to purify the blood. Make miso soup from scratch to absorb its healing qualities - don't forget the daikon and seaweed. Steadfastly refuse to move any further than the distance between the couch and the refrigerator. Take a sleeping pill to ensure 10 solid hours of sleep.

Day 2: Repeat day 1, but invite 6 of your friends over to do it with you. Deviate from the plan by eating and drinking the unhealthy things they'll inevitably bring. Stay up way too late with them, talking and laughing.

Day 3: Try to repeat day 1, but when friend asks you to go for happy hour, say yes because spontaneity is good for you. Tell her you'll stay for one drink and only eat sushi. Half a pizza, one set of pork sliders, and 4 glasses of wine later, move on to the type of drinks they set on fire before bringing them to you because OMG-they-taste-like-gingerbread-houses. Wake up at 2am in dire need of water. Clean your apartment at 3am because you know you won't be getting anymore actual sleep that night.

Day 4: You may sound like the walking dead, but you actually feel surprisingly better.

So, kiddos, friends are a faster cold cure than just about anything else I know.

Christmas cheer...with some other memories thrown in

2011-12-22T16:29:00.000-08:00

I posted earlier today about Christmasy-things, and can absolutely not wait to go home tomorrow to continue the family/friend together time. But...even with everything I know, I still wish my original Christmas plans were happening.

This was going to be my first year ever hosting Christmas dinner. I had recipes saved, meals planned, was looking forward to decorating the tree and having the fireplace lit and the house smelling of pine. I've spent the last several Christmases with his family, so it felt completely normal for them to travel out to Seattle this year, and I was looking forward to seeing them and waking up for the first time ever in my own bed on Christmas morning.

So - for not the first time, I'm sure - I find myself wistful, and remembering things fondly. I really don't know how I can, with everything that I now know, but I suppose that's just human nature. I think it was partially triggered because I was searching my gchats for something today, and stumbled upon a conversation that we'd had right after Napa...a conversation where we said that we had a great trip, loved each other SO much, and just wanted to be there for one another while we figured out "life" stuff. I'm not quite sure how that changed in 6 short weeks, especially when I thought things had been getting better. Seeing those types of conversations is almost as bad as coming across all pictures. I think I had it right the night I decided to purge most of that - guess a couple things slipped through :)

But as I told my friends last night - I really need to stop looking back. Each day I pull up a memory is one day I don't allow myself to put this all to rest.

So a nice 4 day break from Seattle, the interwebs, and "this" will be good. And what better way to spend Christmas than with those that know and love you best...and a little puppy in your lap?

Christmas Cheer

2011-12-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

Last night, my Wednesday movie night group finished out our Christmas movie selection with A Muppet Christmas Carol ("Marley and Marley. Whooooooaaaaaahhhh."). It was delightful, as always, and I made a really yummy spinich-artichoke dip, which disappeared pretty fast. Seeing as I went off the recipe, I was glad it turned out so tasty.

And, to share more Christmas cheer, here are some photos of the Christmas celebration I had last week:

No cookies for you, Lexi Lu

Charlotte loves her Minnie

Cousins playing

Big brother and Dad

For little Eddie...ipood

Worst picture of me ever, but this is what I'll be doing for the next four days. Schnauzer in one hand, wine in the other

Brothers trying on new coats

Enjoying each other...and I'm the only one eating. Hmm...

Cousins

Grandma likes her gift. And wore red...

What is this thing America does?

2011-12-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average American adult spends about 3 hours a day (on weekdays) watching television. I honestly thought it would be more, but am shocked nonetheless. I mean...how do they DO it? Are they not dying of boredom? Last month, when we were driving toward the suburbs for a dinner, my friend said that this WAS what most people did. Go to work. Go home. Watch TV. Go to bed.

Last night, I told myself I had to stay in so that I could start to recover. And that really meant taking it easy - no working out, no errand running, no cleaning, no writing, no playing music. I told myself I could only drink tea, read a book, or watch television. I allowed myself time to cook, since I wanted miso soup (and I always make my soups from scratch) but that was about it.

So, all of those non-activities meant that by 5:00, I was in for the night. And I had no idea how to whittle away the hours until an appropriate bedtime was reached. So I watched a movie. And it was over at 6:30, and I was already over the whole TV watching thing. I had an internal struggle over whether to go out and hit the white elephant exchange that was starting at 7:00, but concern for my recovery prevailed. And then I "bought" Arrested Development, since everyone and their Mom told me I had to watch it. (and you are all so right. Two episodes in, and it's hilarious). Finally, I switched over to my tried-and-true Buffy to take up the last chunk of time.

Growing up, and when I first moved to Seattle, I would have thought nothing about spending an evening parked in front of the TV. But as I became more active, started working out and making nice meals, going out with friends, hanging out with him...it just didn't leave time for television watching. The nights I watched two shows (so a whopping 1.5 hours of TV) I felt positively wanton. And on a night like last night, when I had the option of watching GOOD TV, and not just whatever was on, since I was generously given access to the free AVOD account...it was still like pulling teeth to get me to stay seated.

It's just another reminder of how much I've changed over the last couple years. I used to look forward to a night of TV watching, where I didn't have to do anything. Now, it seems like a prison. But, that may just be because my place is small. Because I'm not feeling settled. Because he isn't there to share the space. On the bright side...I never have to share the remote :)

Immunity

2011-12-20T10:31:00.001-08:00

I woke up in the middle of the night with the type of sore throat that I knew wouldn't be eased upon waking. There are classes of sore throat, and this one fell squarely in the "this is what you get for ignoring your body's health needs for 6 weeks" category. Now that it's well-known in the office that I'm not feeling so hot, people are generally leaving me alone ("oh, no...it can wait until tomorrow" as they back up slowly, making the sign of the cross over their chests). Which means I can focus in on whatever I need to do today, before collapsing in a tired heap at home. I'm supposed to go to a white elephant exchange tonight, but I finally think I've reached the point where I'm unable to rally.

Thinking about my body's immunity (or lack there of) made me wish there were other things I could be immune to. Anger, for one, is an emotion I didn't experience much of. Ever. I guess I've had things pretty easy and have been blessed with wonderful people in my life. So I didn't understand how corrosive of an emotion it is, until it was triggered by a really thoughtless and hurtful action. And I don't like it one bit. I think you miss out on the great things in life if you allow the anger to become all consuming and don't allow yourself to forgive or - if forgiveness feels impossible - to at least just let it go.

So that's what I'm going to try to do. While it's only been a couple days since the news was delivered, I think I need to move quickly to a place of forgiveness, or at least indifference. Some things really are not worth one's time and energy. I don't want to be bothered anymore by the actions of those who I now pity. How sad to always be searching, and burning through people, and throwing away amazing things that come your way, until one day you wake up 40 and alone, wondering what happened. And I'm glad I'm not immune to not wanting that for said person. I'd really have to do some soul-searching if I ever found myself in a place where I wanted someone else to be unhappy.

I also wish I could be immune to the loss of certain memories. I was asking someone if they still remembered the good times, and they replied that it gets harder and harder each day to remember that. And that's sad for me, because I don't want three ultimately happy years, filled with fun memories, to be washed away. But they were right. Each day, it gets harder and harder to recall that there was something ever there. I know there must have been something really strong to put me in a place where I did the things I did for so long. But I can't remember, because I think I slowly fell out of love as I watched someone change and grow so distant. So the most recent memories are negative interactions, and they win out. But every now and again I stumble upon a picture in happier times, and it mocks me. But it also shows me it wasn't as one-sided for the majority of time as it was in the end.

They do say people bond more over what they dislike than what they like, and that must apply to many other areas of life. But I'd rather focus on the good. So, here's to quickly regaining my good health - in body, mind and soul.

I know, I know

2011-12-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

The man in front of me this morning opened the main door to my office building with such force that the swing back almost clocked me in the face. I took a closer look at him to see who could be that rude (or aggressive) and got even more angry when I saw he carried the EXACT same messenger/computer bag as a certain someone I know who has fallen out of my good graces.

But let's rewind 12 hours (btw...this is a really annoying story-telling tactic television shows use sometimes. Battlestar went through a phase where they did this, and it was super frustrating as a viewer. Castle is doing the same thing right now.)

I came home from a Christmas weekend last night (separate blog post once pictures come) and was, well, if nervous isn't the right word, then anxious certainly is. See, I'm not used to coming home from out of town without someone being with me or waiting for me. I've scheduled activities with friends the last two times so I've got something to look forward to, but felt this was an important hump to get over. I couldn't help but think to the last time I came home without an activity planned, and it was back in July. Then, I came home to a cozy house with the lights on, dinner on the stove, and someone who was so excited to see me that he couldn't wait for me to lug my bags upstairs to see him - he met me in the landing of the stairwell to give me a welcome home hug and a kiss.

I arrived home last night and didn't even want to walk in the door, and thought about calling a friend. And then I thought, "Wow, that's really pathetic. You can't last a couple hours alone on your favorite night TO stay in?" So I challenged myself to be content with being home by myself. I turned on all the lights and candles. I went down to the workout room and ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes while watching a movie. I threw together dinner, and was pleased that my "thrown together dinner in an empty kitchen" still turned out to be potato gnocchi, which I then tossed in basil olive oil. I dug into my new Teavana tea set and enjoyed gourmet tea. I started a new show that I thought I'd like, and I was right. And then I realized that my house was starting to feel pretty cozy, even with just one.

It's funny, you know, the things you think you want in a person. But what I've realized is that the shallow things that sound good on paper ("oh, he's gonna be a rock star," "he's so focused on his career,"etc), were the worst possible things for me. I was so much happier in the first year of my relationship, when our days consisted of coming home after work, working out together, cooking together, and then spending the remainder of the evening however we wanted. Sometimes that meant going out with friends, sometimes it meant going out together, and sometimes it meant staying in. There's a saying in the Bible that essentially says that where your money is, is what your master is. I think that applies to time, as well. I was excited to support all of his new endeavors, but at a certain point, I think we both realized that when he said I was his number 1 priority, that it was a lie.

That doesn't mean I don't want a go-getter. I'm an overachiever as well and want someone who can match that. But there's a balance, there, and the top 1% find it. The top 2-9% don't. And if I get someone right around the top 10% in his field (or 1% - I'm not picky :)), then that should be just about right. Driven enough to be successful in all he does, but not maniacal about it.

So I was thinking about all of this this morning, and just got so mad again that someone just up and changed so totally on me as a person (and not for the better), chose so poorly who he spends his time with, betrayed me and my trust, lost my respect, AND put such a cloud over my holiday season. And I'm mad at myself that I saw it happening for so long but was content to ride it out since I have a lot of my own things to do, and am pretty independent. But then I thought, "Well, that door could have hit me in the face, and it didn't." So I guess that's just one small sign that things could be much, much worse - but that they aren't.

And one day I'll come home again from a long weekend, and sigh in happiness at the peace of my own place.

Goin' Fishin'

2011-12-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

As per usual before train trips these days, I was feeling a bit on the emo side. The guy playing Adele's "Someone Like You" in the bus tunnel on the violin on my way to the station didn't help things, either.

As I sat down in my seat - it was one of those group of 4, where you face the other person directly (kinda awkward if you ask me) - I decided I'd use the next three hours in front of me productively.

And then "he" sat down across from me, and I thought God must have a really funny sense of humor. He reminded me so much of someone else. Same shoes. Same exact watch. Same style of dressing. Same color hair, haircut, and facial hair. Overall, pretty attractive. He pulled out his Mac and his special headphones and I thought, "Really? Really? God, you're going to make me sit across from someone who looks and dresses like that while I'm really upset?"

But then we started talking. And he turned out to be a writer who understood my process and that 16,000 words in such a short time was no mean feat. And he turned out to be a musician, who played violin, piano, bass, and guitar. And he turned out to be a photographer. And his field is engineering. And we talked for the whole three hours, got train beer together, laughed, and just kept each other generally entertained.

And while he's a bit too young for me (23-ish), and while I still get nervous at the point of being asked out and therefore had to excuse myself awkwardly at our stop so that I could avoid the contact information exchange, it was a step in the right direction.

It was a sign that the traits I thought were so unique to find contained in one person are probably ubiquitous in a big city. It's why we all chose to live in Seattle, right? That blend of corporate drive balanced with artistic pursuits is probably a pretty common thing here. And it showed me I can instantly connect with someone new and be able to talk for hours without a second of it feeling forced, which bodes well for me being comfortable with the idea of dating again. There's a lot of fish in the sea, they say, and now I finally think that they're right.

Just shrug your shoulders and sigh

2011-12-15T23:16:00.000-08:00

Whelp...I guess that's that.

I got confirmation of something rather painful (and icky) tonight. But you know...despite some anticipated hefty trust issues in the future, I guess it's a good thing - something that will allow me to finitely close a chapter of my life. And I'll keep it in mind when I feel all nostalgic, to help keep my eyes focused forward. I've also learned that I need to listen to that inner voice, that intuition we all come equipped with, and not ignore it because I don't like what it has to say. Because as it turns out, it's usually right.

But other than that, I had a really great night tonight. Playing with talented, creative, and FUN musicians really is good for the soul. I always feel before I start playing that..."hmm...maybe I don't want to play tonight." And then I pick the fiddle up, find the right notes and the right beat, and just join in as I'm called to. Or not join in as the moment calls, but rather sit back and absorb, listen, and just be in the moment.

And we're right back...where we started from

2011-12-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

Last night was one of those nights that remind me of how far I've come since I moved to Seattle. Why? Well, a couple of reasons, but mainly because we ended up going to Ballard to hang out, lured by the all night half-price wine at the Ballard Loft.

First of all, I was asked to navigate. I'm NEVER the person that knows where she's going, so it was nice to feel like the one who did for a change. And sure, I sort of had a direction fail ("So, yeah...drive over as if you were going to cross the Fremont bridge...and then, uh, cross the Fremont bridge."). I mixed up the Ballard Loft and Balmar, so we parked up at the North end of Ballard Ave...and then had a nice, cold, long walk to the South end, where the Ballard Loft actually is.

As we made that walk, I thought about all the time I used to spend on that road and how much has changed. I never go to Ballard anymore, unless it's for a random errand. We always end up downtown/SLU/Queen Anne these days, and have done so for the last three years - ever since I met my now ex and his friends, and they were located downtown (I used to be up in Greenlake). Ballard was practically the only neighborhood I used to hang out in my first year here. I didn't know a lot of people, and the people I did know went there. Late nights at Kings Hardware. Open mic fiddle nights at Conor Byrne. Weekly Wednesday at the Sloop.

I still haven't had a Slooper - I never had the nerve to order one during all those Wednesdays, never thought I could tackle the 36oz of Rainier that is the Slooper - but I have confidence in my abilities to drain it now. I thought about Gorgeous Pete the Pirate who was there EVERY SINGLE Wednesday, and the time the boys made a bet to see who could touch him (Gorgeous Pete was actually an old, decrepit man of at least 90). And the day the mystique was gone because Gorgeous Pete sat down with us and introduced himself as Dick. Also, Ben claimed he saw him driving a Mercedes one day, which also dashed the imagined life I'd created for him. Speaking of imagined things, I got told yesterday by a person I'd just met that "I had a really active imagination." I don't know if it was meant as a compliment, but as a writer, I'll take it as so. I rely heavily on my imagination to make my stories come to life.

As I entered my apartment near midnight, happy and tired, I realized I am finally doing the things I wanted to do when I first moved here. I wanted to learn how to cook. I wanted to work out and eat healthy. I wanted to have lots of friends to do things with on a random weekday night or for a weekend adventure. I wanted a better job. I wanted to be writing for a magazine. It's funny that "having a boyfriend" was never actually on the list. So maybe I should just chalk it up to a wonderful, 3 year phase I was going through, where I was trying something out that I never thought I wanted or would have. And now I'm back to where I started from. Except with much more experience and on my terms. And now that I'm finally at that place of acceptance with being single, I'm probably gonna meet someone, like, tomorrow - and you'll all throw my words in my face. And I won't care, because I'll be happy.

Re-Discovery

2011-12-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

It's a bit of a gloomy day here, the type of day that makes me glad I have no meetings and a large document to edit. I'm all cozied up at my desk with coffee, soft lights...and I may or may not have removed my shoes (okay...you got me...I did).

I've enjoyed re-discovering the city. We went out a lot in the first half of 2009, and I remember really loving that feeling of discovering the best sushi, best happy hour, best crepes, hidden gems...stuff like that.

So now that a whole week of days in which to go out have been opened up to me (seriously - I didn't realize people hung out on Mondays and Wednesdays), I'm enjoying finding new places and revisting old favorites.

Last night after work, I went to Umi with a friend for happy hour, and immediately went for the Bad Boy roll. We used to go there all the time in 2009 - it's a shame we stopped making it over there. Umi is the type of sushi place that ruins you for all others. The Blue C sushi happy hour may be cheap, but Bad Boys they have not. The rolls are large, creative (think mango and jalepeno) and are prepared to perfection. Add some cucumber water and a sapporro, and it's a nice way to unwind after work.

Later that evening, I went to Pintxo to meet my friend Gabby, who regaled me of tales of her recent travels and ever-evolving hair color. I admire a fellow blonde who is bold enough to go brunette. Anyway, Pintxo has a diverse small plates menu, which I like for later in the evening, and a great Spanish wine list. I have always leaned toward a Tempranillo, so it's nice to have plenty to choose from for once.

It's natural for friends to check in on me, ask how I'm doing, and the answer is usually the same. I'm doing better each day, for the most part. I've swapped the stress of the last few months for all the new emotions that come after a break up, but those emotions are actually easier to deal with, because I know they are finite in duration. I'm really glad this happened now, and not one or two years from now. And while I was willing to ride it out while things were being figured out and will always wonder if it would have worked out okay in the end if we just held on, I'm glad that we didn't go that route. This - amazing as it sounds - is actually better for me in the long run. This is a decision, and any decision feels so much better than limbo. I can wake up with clear diretion again.

So I just carry on from day to day, try to make progress in some way, shape or form to keep moving forward. Continue deepening friendships up here - I really do feel so lucky to have such a pool of friends to draw from. Work on the novel...play the fiddle...volunteer...meet new people...blah, blah, blah :)

Okay. Back to work for me. Continued attendance (and production) at the day job is also important.

Bits and Pieces - Wisconsin Stereotypes, Bad Moon (and dreams) Rising, More Napkin Wisdom

2011-12-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

Wisconsin Stereotypes
I love when standard emails ("Did you get me press for The Sounds? "Workin' on it!") devolve into, well, this:

My press contact from the magazine hails from Wisconsin. After dealing with business, he asked if I was a Ducks fan and, if so, that we should make a little wager on the game that includes the loser suffering some form of humiliation at NAMM in LA next month. I replied that it was a pretty bold assumption to assume that someone who lives in Seattle is a Ducks fan..but that in this case he happened to be correct. Here was his rather hilarious response:

"I just assume everyone in Oregon is a Ducks fan, drives a VW and wears a rain jacket all the time...no? I mean, Wisconsinites are always drunk, we eat cheese instead of vegetables, dairy cows are considered family and we end each sentence with, "yeah, eh."

At this point I realized that a geography 101 lesson was in order, and kindly pointed out that while I'm sure maps of the US sold in other states just have a big dark void where Oregon and Washington should be, that Seattle is, in fact, in Washington. I hope I still get my press passes...

Tilikum Place Cafe Review

I realized I didn't give Tilikum Place Cafe it's proper due when I mentioned it the other day. I'd passed it many times there on Cedar, when travelling between downtown and the Queen Anne place, but never really thought twice about it. It's so charming inside, entrees are well priced ($9-$14), service was great, and the portion sizes are nice and big.

I had the baked eggs, which came out in a little cast iron skillet, and was baked with cheese, ham, and spinach. Delicious! I highly recommend the place.

Finding Rhythm

Last night, while at a group dinner, a friend asked how I was adjusting to the new place and downtown living. I replied that I didn't feel settled. When he asked me to further explain, this is what I said: "You know that feeling you had as a little kid, when you came home after school, and the lights were on, parents were home, and dinner was made? That feeling that you were just home? Well, that's what I miss. That's what I finally achieved in Queen Anne. And that's what's impossible to achieve while living downtown."

So I feel off-kilter, like my home-base is gone, but I'm trying very hard to change that.

Bad Dreams

I didn't really dream about Andy hardly ever when we were dating. So, when my subconscious has a dream with him in it, where we are just snuggled up together watching a movie and cuddling in that particular way we did, I get kind of mad. And sad, of course. I woke up today after that and then had to scold my dreaming self - which it's already been established that dreaming Lindsay is a whole different person - and tell it to knock that off.

I probably dreamt about him because he was in my thoughts a lot yesterday evening. Grocery shopping after work at Whole Foods with the city lit up for Christmas just makes me think of our time in the condo and Met Tower. And then a lot of people at group were all cuddly and engaged, so that was like a punch to the stomach. And I was in Fremont, which I hadn't been to in several years, honestly. But riding down Fremont Ave on the scooter early in the morning reminds me of those first months, when we still made an effort to spend equal time at each other's places. The bus dropped me off by this coffee shop that I hadn't been to in 2.5 years, but the last time I was there I was gushing to my friend Brie about this amazing guy I'd been dating for only 4 months, but felt like we'd known each other forever. I walked quickly by, and didn't look back.

Beautiful Moon

Did anyone else see the moon last night? It was like a giant, orange globe. It looked other-worldly almost! Perhaps it's the remnants of this weekend's lunar eclipse. I mentioned it when I arrived at group and everyone got all excited and rushed out of the house, up the hill, across a block or two, for a good vantage point in the cool, night air. Alas, by the time we found a good spot, the magic had passed. But I love spontaneous bursts of energy :)

More Napkin Wisdom
No, Sarah...the bacon-flavored vodka is not vegetarian. Came across that baby this morning and am so glad I wrote that down. My friend Sarah asked the bartender this weekend if the bacon vodka was vegetarian :)

2nd Seattle Weekend

2011-12-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

I was in the buffet line, reaching for a vegetable that looked like a mini octopus cut in half, with the consistency and color of a cucumber, when my alarm went off. It was 8:45. See, because I've limited myself to one football game per weekend while I was with Andy, I didn't realize people got up at the crack of dawn on weekends to watch football. I've now joined them.

Weekends are hard. They exemplify what it means to be single - going out without reporting to anyone. And I don't know how i feel about that. I was watching an episode of Bones yesterday in between my morning and evening activities, and the detectives figured the murder victim was a prostitute because the apartment they found her in had no personal effects. So, I took those two hours to hang some mirrors and dig out family photos to display. I don't want anyone to think I don't live here...though I've done one hell of a job avoiding it. For someone as introverted and home-body-ish as me, it's quite an accomplishment.

Friday afternoon I went Christmas shopping, then met Sarah for happy hour at Pesos. Pesos exemplifies what I hate about Seattle, or any city...drunk, yuppy fratboys. But our happy hour turned into four happy hours, and my friend Taylor joined us. She is an amazing artist. If any of you were at the Queen Anne place, all the art in the living room was hers. She kindly offered to give me a print of "8th & Virginia" for my new place. The original was a present to me from Andy last year, but I didn't have the heart to take it. It belongs with the set, and the set belongs to Andy. I then jetted back downtown to the Renaissance hotel to see my dear cousin Carly. I hadn't seen her in almost three years, so it felt so nice to catch up.

I was up early Saturday to catch a game at Buckley's, and then onto brunch at Tilikum Place Cafe. I went Christmas shopping that afternoon with a friend, then came home to just...be. That evening was spent with mulled wine and Christmas carols at Saint Mark's.

Today I had brunch again with friends, and any weekend I don't have to fix myself breakfast is considered a success. I spent the day on their couch in front of a Christmas tree and fireplace, with a beer in hand and blanket, and was pretty content.

I just...find it interesting that Andy's best friends love him, but were all surprised at the break-up - one even thought Andy's big news was that we were engaged. Or, once they knew about it, assumed it was me that left him. That says a lot about the things I refused to see. But I will say to those that have said I "dodged a bullet" or that "I don't know how you put up with him" that it never felt that way to me. I never "put up" with Andy. He's not a bullet I dodged. I understand why you think that - especially those that know and love him best. Andy is...many...particular things. But I loved all of those things, and they didn't bother me.

But I do appreciate all my wonderful friends up here. Thank you for reinforcing that this wasn't something that I did wrong. And thank you for continuing to provide me with weekend breakfast. I'll come hang out on your couch anytime. Oh...and I may or may not have a crush on the guy who mans the cheese department at Whole Foods...so if any of you need to go grocery shopping there, just let me know :)

Say Goodbye To These

2011-12-09T10:19:00.000-08:00

I hopped over to Ballard last night to play/jam/listen/hang out with the band Say Goodbye To These (who you should check out on Facebook and give them a like since they don't have a website up and running yet for me to link to). For those of you who were at the last Out Like Pluto show, they were the opening band. It was a really chill evening, and it felt like a good step forward to crack open the violin case, which I haven't done since the night of the break up. Also, just getting to Ballard from downtown without a car is an accomplishment for me. I'm really trying to get better at getting around town without Andy carting me everywhere.

Perched on an extra throne in their practice space, I strummed my violin while they played, thinking about the music and how I should complement it, but mainly about all the places my violin has been.

It was made in Eugene, Oregon, by a man named David Burham. I had gone to his studio, thinking it would be custom made for me and that I'd probably have it painted Oregon Duck helmet green (I was 18. Give me a break). He put his performance fiddle in my hands to get an idea of how to make the fiddle for me, and something happened. The ripples of the curly maple wood spoke to me. The weight of it felt just right. The fiddle felt like...mine. He took one look at the way I was looking at it and asked me if I wanted it. I said yes, and took it home.

The violin played a lot in Bellingham that next year, when I was 19. It played for 10 people and played for 400 people. It spent Wednesday nights from 7pm-1am in a recording studio. I thought about my old bandmates, and what they're all up to now. Our drummer, Sean, lives about 10 minutes from me and is my brother-in-law now. Brandon, our bass player, is still in Bellingham and has just published a book and also has, with his wife, adopted several adorable children from Africa. Riley wrote most of the music and was our lead singer, but I lost touch with him. I did randomly hear from him earlier this year, but I don't know what he's up to. Johnny, our resident all around musician guy, did exactly what I thought he would: Move to Seattle and ensconce himself in the music scene. He's now in the band Fences.

I didn't play much for the next 6 years, until that night in early February of 2010, when Andy asked me to record/write a fiddle part for the track '9th and Virginia.' I had to get the thing re-strung before recording (any fiddle player knows what a trial that is), and then spent the last two years taking the fiddle around Seattle...on the Spirt of Seattle...at the EMP Sky Church...and just about every other bar. The fiddle was in on the first instance of crowd surfing at the Jewelbox, got an applause during sound check, and has had many offers from other bands to come join in on their fun. I never let it, though - playing was just a favor to Andy, and never a real passion of mine. I'm a writer first.

I guess the fiddle is onto a new musical chapter. Or, I might retire him. I haven't decided just yet. In the meantime, I'll let him play and breathe and compose.

Catching Up

2011-12-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up today and realized something was different, something was missing. The missing item? That knot in my stomach that's greeted each morning for the past five weeks. It came back, naturally, but for a minute I remembered how I used to feel, and that was good, and encouraging.

I think a lot of it had to do with my evening last night, which was pretty unremarkable. I went to Whole Foods. Came home and did a power yoga video. Finished the episode of Glee I'd started. Made dinner for the gang so we could simultaneously feast AND watch another Christmas movie. We laughed about the simplicity of it, but were all in agreement that our favorite way to spend an evening is home-cooked meals with friends and movies, conversation, and wine. Because we only ever half-watch the movie.

I then went out to meet the one and only Howard Wu for a late night drink, and it was so nice, so reassuring. I thought back to my first meeting of Howard and his wife Skye, almost three years ago now. They are very important people in Andy's life, so he kind of made a big deal about how important it was that they like me, thus making me VERY nervous. Skye is an amazing cook, and she had made this hot pot celebration for the Chinese New Year, which tested my newly acquired chopstick skills. At the end of the night, as per custom for an elder, married couple to pass down to younger, unmarried adults, Howard and Skye gave us red envelopes with chocolate coins. I still have mine.

They recently moved to Taiwan, so of course we all clamored for a spot on Howard's calendar for the five days he's back in Seattle. I got to see the video they made of their new place, and Skye's growing belly as she helped narrate the tour. She is seriously one of the most adorable pregant ladies I've ever seen.

And then we just chatted about life stuff, a little about Andy but not too much as I don't think it's appropriate to talk about him with his friends..but there was one thing that Howard said, that started to help me let go a little. When I expressed concern for Andy's long-term happiness, worried about him finding and wanting to keep a companion, Howard just shrugged and told me it's not my problem. And he's right. I can't control what he feels or doesn't feel, what happens or doesn't happen, and I just need to let it go.

As I crawled into bed, I thought back to another conversation I'd had in the day, with someone who had also had her heart broken - many times - in the past. She told me I just had to "give it to God."

I struggle with that. I'm a strange breed of Christian that doesn't go to church; only goes to community group for, well, the community; doesn't read the bible; doesn't regularly talk to God, and - if I do - don't think I really have anything worth saying because my problems seem so petty in light of the gravity in the world.

So...it seemed weird...but I asked him to take the anger away. Then that night, I dreamt I was hanging out with several people in Andy's life that I don't like, but not Andy himself, and we all got along, had heart-to-hearts where I started to understand where they're coming from, the insecurities and the uncertainties that drive them, and I felt sorry for them...and when I woke up, the knot in my stomach and the anger was a lot less.

My friend Andrew, who is going through something similiar, but has a bit of a head start on me, sent me the following quote yesterday, too, and so everything just came together at once: "People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it is letting go."

Cinderella at 5th Avenue, Dan Roam, Napkin Wisdom

2011-12-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a very full day. I started off my morning with a trip to the Nordstrom Innovation Lab, which operates in a post-agile style to quickly churn out prototypes of ideas employees have or customers request. Pretty cool to learn about how they make it happen, and I'm fairly positive I'm going to have to turn the whiteboard outside my desk into a kanban board now. (Unrelated, but kind of related - I guess there is/was a whole kanban moms movement, where all the tasks that the children must complete to get ready for school in the morning were on boards posted on their doors. Instead of nagging if all tasks were completed, the moms just asked if their childrens' boards were complete. Guess both mom and kids love it. Go figure).

Afterwards, I "roamed" over to a book event, where New York Time's Bestseller Dan Roam was giving a speech about visual thinking and presenting one's ideas as pictures, which is quite important as a communications professional (did anyone get my pun?). He also gave away copies of his new book, "Blah, Blah, Blah: What to do when Words don't Work." I'm looking forward to digging into it.

That evening, after another Sazerac HH, I went with some friends to 5th Avenue Theatre's production of Cinderella, as they had comped tickets. I don't think I can ever pay for a big ticket item again after a year of comps, honestly. It was magical. Cinderella was petite and sweet, the Prince very charming and handsome, the Queen and Fairy Godmother were spunky, but the evil stepsisters stole the show. They were hilarious! I was very impressed with the production quality.

Why can't my life be like a fairy tale? Why won't the banana that's on my desk turn into a motorcycle, or a fairy godmother come down and get me ready for work in the blink of the eye? Why did the prince choose the ugly, evil stepsister? Is it because she threw herself at him and it's easier than searching the kingdom for his Cinderella, or appreciating her once he's found her? Well, I guess that is why life is not a fairy tale, but I'm not quite ready to give up on the dream just yet.

After the show, we hit up Palomino to finish out the night, and I remembered some word's of wisdom from Dan Roam. He has a book called "Back of the Napkin" which is named for the Arthur Laffer sketch on a cocktail napkin that created Reaganomics. Some of my best work has been done on cocktail napkins...epic rendition of the Jabberwocky...a whole slew of amazing band names for when Out Like Pluto was trying to find a new name (I still think "Mikey and the Sparkle Ponies" has potential to be something great). I like finding the notes I write to myself on napkins later. So, we started a new tradition...here are some gems from last night:

I drew a fedora monster (people in Eugene will know the inspiration)

We had the A, B, Cs of why $3 wine is delicious

Dana wisely advised us that "you can't force napkin wisdom." So true, Dana, so true.

Then for some reason we got on a little mermaid tangent, and spent the rest of the night saying things like, "'D' is for Dinglehopper. 'S' is for Sebastian. 'C' is for cuts out tongue." Remind me never to let small children watch Disney movies without me first re-seeing it to make sure it's kosher.

Finishing the Purge

2011-12-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

I talked earlier today about detoxing, and a big part of that purge is removing reminders of Andy from my life. So, I did that this evening when I got home from work...defriended him on facebook so I don't have to see pictures of him out and about with the one person I truly despise or agonize over every update; removal from contact lists; deletion from the phone; throwing away pictures. It's all very girly and movie dramatic, I know...but these very final acts made me cry in a way that I haven't since the day after the break up.

I guess part of me didn't accept it, thought we'd get back together in a couple months when he "came to his senses," even though I told people we wouldn't, so...this last final riddance of our relationship brought forth all the emotions I refused to feel, ignored because it's my first night alone since the break up. It's hard to really cry when you're hanging out with people and pretending to be strong, so when I say "I'm doing fine" or "This is for the best" out loud it's like I'm talking myself into it along with whomever I'm with. There's no one here tonight that I need to convince of anything, so I guess I'm finally truly mourning what we had. Tonight I can finally say goodbye to the life I had with Andy and start to process that there is no back door, no friendship, no relationship, and no further connection. It's like someone went through with an eraser and just took out half my heart, but left the half that can experience pain. And wow is it hard.

And there's a lot of anger thrown in the mix, too. I'm really mad that he can just flippantly decide to no longer place a value on something we both knew to be rare and special. Why he would walk away when we were both still happy with each other and content, even though going through a rough patch that honestly was his doing, is confusing to me. I know people keep saying, "it's not you, it's him," but you don't have to tell me twice. You'll never once hear me - or Andy, probably - disagree with that. But it doesn't make it any better. Same with those that tell me he'll regret it - his feelings on the matter don't affect mine. So what if he regrets it? Does that put us in any different of a place? And while I appreciate the pep talks (so keep 'em comin'), I'm not in a place where I feel bad about myself, or my value as a human being is in question. I didn't derive my sense of worth from Andy - I KNOW I'm a catch :) And I know I'm a whole person in my own right, and a pretty lucky one at that. But we all need a companion, a life partner who will have your back, support your dreams, make you chicken noodle soup when you're sick, kiss you goodbye in the morning, cuddle with you Saturday mornings after breakfast, and always hold your hand. I think that was my favorite part - we just naturally always walked hand in hand, and it felt so strong, so connected.

I find myself in this strange limbo where I don't want to be single, but I don't want to date. Andy and I didn't date - we were instantly joined at the hip after meeting and connected so deeply and intimately. We both got swept up in it and that feeling never left...at least, it never left me. And I could never date Andy again, as the trust is broken and some wounds cut too deep, but I can't imagine dating someone who isn't Andy.

So tonight finally feels like the first night of the break up. I took a month to just ignore and distract, but I can't do that anymore. I have to let myself go through this so I can come out stronger on the other side.

I really did think I'd handle this differently. I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I knew I wouldn't want to reach out to Andy and have enough pride not too, and so far I haven't beyond logistics from separating a life that was shared for three years, but I didn't think I'd post so many private feelings publicly, as I like to play it close to the vest. But...here's the deal: I've written and erased so many lines in this post...and that's why I put it online. If I didn't, if I didn't try to temper the emotions with some restraint, force myself to find a silver lining so I can sound like I'm doing alright like I do when I talk to you all, then I think it really would be down the rabbit hole for me, and that's not a good place to be.

I know that I'm not happy right now. But I also am proud of myself for wanting to take the steps to get back to that place and very painfully taking them, instead of wallowing in the dirt, which is all too easy. I need to grieve, and grieve hard, and then come out of it. I'm too strong and worth too much to let this break me.

I need to be open to love again, but not bank on finding it. If I do find someone, I can't compare them to Andy and the life we had together. And if I'm lucky enough to go the distance with that someone, then I'm in it, 100%. I was in it 100% for Andy, and our relationship would not have been what it was if I wasn't, if I held back. So I won't let fear of being hurt again stop me from giving it my all.

I finally say goodbye to Andy, for real, and start to let it go. I have to let it, let him, go. Dwelling on the past makes the future impossible to plan, and the present impossible to appreciate. Andy may always have a special place in my heart, but he won't have a place in my life. And that's okay.

And now I purge, purge, purge...remove the bad, let it flow through, to come back healthier, stronger, lighter, and smarter. Thank you all so much for being my friends and being there for me while I go through this.

Detox

2011-12-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

Several people I know mentioned to me this weekend that they are detoxing their diets for awhile, so they can feel better and more energized. I think I might have to join them. This weekend, the past 4 weeks of heavy drinking, excessive cheese consumption, hamburgers, all sorts of animals, Thanksgiving, tailgate food, farm cooking, and no workouts finally took its toll. My stomach ached most of the weekend, but last night was the final straw.

I got back into town around 4 and was feeling a bit mopey, so I joined some friends for HH where I had half a slider, margheria flat bed, tuna, a manhatten, and wine. We then went back to my place for Christmas movies, but decided to do a quick Whole Foods run on the way so we could have snacks. So, we made a spread of cheese, bread, salami and lavendar shortbread cookies...plus more wine.

Maybe after an hour or so after the gang left and I'd been sleeping, I woke up incredibly nauseated and couldn't go back to sleep. My body had put up a valient fight, but I think it's telling me it just can't do it anymore. All it takes is one sleepless night of feeling ill to make one see the error of one's ways.

I was going to wait until the new year to get back on track, but I honestly don't think I can handle another four weeks like this. The detoxing starts today, and that includes not just my food and exercise, but my social calendar as well. I cancelled this evening's plans so I could stay in and take care of me, and I'm trying to be more positive, too, and let this detox purge the negative energy that's surrounded me and try to be happy and whole again.

On the bright side...my living room comfortably accomodated five, even with the coffee and end tables set up. Yay! It feels nice that people still think of my place as a logical place to hangout, as I had gotten so used to entertaining because we always had the most room. I don't know if I could do a full dinner service for more than 4, but it's nice that we can have a large food spread out with wine and all be comfortably seated.

New Month

2011-12-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Gauntlet
Well, I certainly learned my lesson. Last month, I challenged November to top October. I think it's safe to say it quite unequivocally did. I solemnly swear that never will I ever throw down the gauntlet to a calendar month again.

Neighborly Love
Had a little chat with the elephant man above me last night at around 10:30pm, after an hour of trying to be patient, relax, and then feeling my blood pressure rise as the incessant thumping and shaking continued unabated. Sure enough, he was, in fact, running laps in his apartment. I had gotten home rather early last night, around 8, from a lovely HH at Nijo with Suzanne. I didn't think I'd been there before, but kept getting a nagging sense of deja vu while we were there - I kinda feel I went there with Andy and some friends after his Fresh goodbye party, but I could be wrong. Anyway, the food was delicious, and I was glad to be in early so I could give myself a chance to relax for once.

Neighbor boy had other ideas. I spent an hour in bed drinking tea and reading my book, trying to relax, but it was impossible with him banging around like some sort of banshee up there. So, I went upstairs and as soon as he opened the door he said, "Oh, am I too loud?" I didn't even have to broach the subject awkwardly - he just knew! I told him yes, and he agreed to finish his workouts before 9:30 in the future. I'm all for apartment workouts - I do it too - but somehow I manage to do it without jumping around like a rhinoceros.

Almond Butter
Gross. I just opened my new can of nut butter for breakfast this morning, which is actually almond butter. While that was a deliberate choice at the store, it doesn't taste nearly as sweet or flavorful as peanut butter. What's more - it's natural, and I have a thing against natural nut butters. It's a goopy texture thing, I think, and a carry over from Andy's habits with it. It tends to run, drip down on things, and then the empty jars that would sit out unwashed for weeks because I didn't want to touch it still haunt me. So now I don't really want to eat breakfast anymore.

What are you going to bring, December?

Service

2011-11-30T16:13:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, I ran into a college friend of my brothers, and he invited me to join a group he's in to go volunteer at a men's shelther, and then follow it up with dinner and drinks at Fado. I like Fado, I like volunteering, I like meeting new people, so I figured I'd go.

This past Monday, I spent 2.5 hours serving up my best lunch lady impression...and actual meals. I can see why the supervisor insisted all the women stay back behind the partition wall of the kitchen; while we were doing the actual serving, there was still a safe distance between us and the patrons. A safe distance was necessary, as the patrons were very interesting. There's nothing like volunteering to give one some much needed perspective on how much their life doesn't actually suck. I think the oddest thing I encountered were people pointing out which piece of meat they wanted me to grab, as if it were the live lobster fish bowl at a seafood restaurant. I, uh, didn't take requests, naturally.

Afterwards, the group grabbed dinner and drinks at Fado for some good conversation and general hangout time. I took my time on the walk home, despite the cold, the late hour, and the fact that I was in a dress. I haven't appreciated yet how pretty the city is when it's lit up for the holidays, and wanted to. So i strolled home slowly, both through the streets and my memories of some evening runs and nightime walks with Andy. It's funny - and a little nice - how you remember much more vividly things you thought you had forgotten when emotion is in the mix. But days, events, conversations, moments...they have been coming back to me slowly over the last month. In particular, I remembered a night in January where we shopped for a fedora for Andy and stopped for creme brulee at Maximillian's. I think we had only been dating for two or three weeks at that point, but it already felt perfectly natural to spend every day together. I then remembered running up the hill on Columbia in February as we decided to go for a night run, and I wanted so very badly to keep up with him! Right now it's only the good memories that have flooded back...I wonder if the bad ones come later, or perhaps not at all. Our minds and hearts are funny things, indeed.

Daily Briefing

2011-11-30T09:38:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I sleepily rolled over in bed, picked up my phone, and scrolled to my Daily Briefing app to check the weather. It was such an automatic motion when I lived in Queen Anne, as checking the weather is pretty important when you have a 25 minute walk in to work. I hadn't done it yet in the new place. See, it has this funny feature, where you have to actively select refresh to get the current weather; otherwise, the date of when you last checked it is displayed. The date I last checked it happened to be November 3, the day Andy and I broke up; the last day where things felt normal, and I did normal things.

I thought back to that day, then, and overall, it was pretty unremarkable. I don't remember what I wore. I don't remember what I ate. In my last meeting of the day, the team asked me about our upcoming trip to New York, and I gushed over how excited I was. And I was - I couldn't wait to go to the City, see Emily, go to a real Broadway show, meet Hugh Jackman. When I went to leave, I had a text from Andy asking if I'd got his IM. I knew then that meant he probably wasn't coming home for dinner, and I was right. But, I brushed it off, as I'd been trying really hard to give him the space to work out whatever it is he is/was working through, and not let it bother me.

I actually had a pretty great evening, too. I went for a run, as I knew sunny days that were light enough in the evenings were in short supply and didn't want to waste it. I made dinner. I watched a show. Andy came home for a brief moment, gave me a kiss, said he loved me, and went off to practice. I used that time to be artistically productive. I wrote 1000 words of my novel. I practiced my violin and actually took the time to learn the Acoustic Papercut song in case Out Like Pluto wanted to play it live and Andrew Joslyn wasn't available. Then, I cleaned myself up and got all pretty, so that I'd look nice when Andy came home.

When he came home, he was very eager to not see me, it felt like. I still wonder what happened at band practice that night to put him in that mood, and I have a fairly good idea of what it was. But, I pushed a little. I just wanted 5 minutes of face-to-face time, as it's so important to connect with your partner every day, and he'd told me his was too busy to gchat at work that day. I asked him to come over and say hi when he was out of the shower. Clearly that was a mistake (I'm such a demanding person...wanting a simple hello... I know...), as he came over and promptly broke things off.

So yeah. Weird day. But I'm actually glad I checked that stupid app yesterday. I guess it's a sign that I'm starting to do normal things again, starting to take care of myself again. I'm starting to care that perhaps I don't want to get caught in a rainstorm, or without a hat if it's below 30. I don't want to get sick, and I'm kind of amazed this amazingly hard month hasn't made me ill, and that there's no signs of it taking a toll on me physically, either. No weight changes. No gray hairs. No lines on my face. Someone even told me I was "glowing" yesterday. I've been asked out more in the last month than in the prior six. I even did a workout video after work and before group last night, which I've done maybe once since the break up.

I guess I'll call yesterday a draw in terms of steps forward or back.

Count your Blessings

2011-11-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

A Sunday evening after a long holiday weekend is supposed to be filled with cooking dinner, wine, candles, and movies. Of course, that type of Sunday usually includes Andy, but it was just as fun (if you know...less romantic) with my girlfriends. I hadn't cooked for anyone in awhile - I think I made minestrone about a month ago for a Sunday evening with Andy - so was a little leery about taking the kitchen for a test run, but dinner turned out delicious.

We watched White Christmas, which is my absolute favorite Christmas movie (even though it's kind of a bad movie if you really analyze it and Christmas only makes about two appearances throughout) and then High Society, since we all love The Philidelphia Story. It was nice and cozy, and the love stories got me excited about the fact that I now have a chance to re-experience that thrill of falling in love. The sweet things one does when they are trying to court you (yes, I'm 100) and then later the constant affection and passion they feel for you once you are together and you know "this is it." And then that thought made me cry, naturally, but I was okay with it. It had been awhile since I cried, and while I really do want to be strong, it's important to balance that with grieving. I don't want to hold everything in, and then in 6 months or a year have the full magnitude of what we lost hit.

And after viewing White Christmas, I had Bing Crosby sing me to sleep, when I started feeling anxious and upset about the curve ball I was thrown, and got restless. "When you're worried / And you can't sleep / Just count your blessings / Instead of sheep / And you'll fall asleep, counting your blessings."

Lots of Thanks

2011-11-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

A weekend out of Seattle really did the trick. So much so, in fact, that I will be back home for three out of the next four weekends. Between holidays and Duck games, that's just kind of how it worked out. But family time is really necessary these days, and I find myself not wanting to be in Seattle on the weekends while I go through this lovely little heart break.

I wondered a bit, how Wednesday would be on the train without Andy. I then, very comically/unfortunately/unbelievably, actually ran into him on my way to the train Wednesday afternoon. What are the odds, right?? I was determined not to let that - or my incredibly nosy and chatty seat mate - ruin my day, though. The girls picked me up when I got in and we went out for strawberry margaritas and Mexican food. Always delicious. During the conversation, I had this nagging feeling that someone was staring at me, but was determined not to look. Sure enough, toward the end of our evening, this woman comes up to our table and informs me that her friend has been "admiring you all night" and wanted to know if I was interested. Obviously the answer is no these days, but flattering nonetheless. We then took the party back to Brandy's for wine, cupcakes, and play time with her adorable schnoodle, Clyde.

I spent Thanksgiving at my Dad's, knowing I'd be surrounded by warmth, laughter, puppies, and TONS of good food. I was right on all counts.

We slept in a bit Friday before heading down to Eugene. Friday afternoon and evening were so much fun, as everyone was in town. We did dinner with my cousins, aunts and uncles, big brother, grandma, and little nieces. After the main group left, my aunt and uncle, dad and Angelia, and cousin Katie settled in for a good game of Apples to Apples and conversation. It's really incredible how much being around my joyful family lifts my spirits. They are just so much fun, and truly good people. I especially appreciated how no one bashed Andy. I get that would be the "normal" thing to do all things considered, but it meant so much more that my family could just say that they were sad for me, that they thought we were a good couple, and that they really liked him. It justifies that I didn't make a bad decision in being with him for the last three years.

Saturday we were up early to be at the 9am tailgate. The weather was absolutely gorgeous - it really felt like a September game, rather than late November. I was in a t-shirt for most of the game. I love the people we tailgate with, so the group had enormous fun. My dad then took me to the Duck shop for a little spoiling, and then we made our way to our seats. Katie sat with me, which was so much fun as I don't often get a lot of girl time with my girl cousins. After the game, we went to my other girl cousin, Bridget's, as she was having a birthday party for her son, Hunter.

I will say there was an incident there that reminded me that I was "in the country." Making my way back to the car, I thought I'd just walk across the front yard. Oh no. The front yard was full of a quick-sand like mud, and as soon as I took my first step I essentially started screaming, "Mud! Mud! Mud!" and ran so fast across that front yard. Everyone laughed pretty damn hard, but they're just lucky I kept my outbursts rated PG. Another thing about being out in the country is utility sinks - so thankfully the mess was pretty easy to clean and my Nordstrom boots are basically okay. Uncle Kimo wanted to play Apples to Apples again, and I repeated my victory from the previous night. It's easy with family - I pretty much knew my dad would pick "Indiana Jones" for just about any adjective, just as I knew I could play "Silly Putty" and Kimo would go for it. Ah, sweet victory.

Sunday it was time to go back home, and I'm currently on the train, eating the feast Dad and Angelia packed for me. I'm looking forward to grocery shopping, cooking, and watching Christmas movies with Sara tonight.

All and all, my first "single" holiday went okay. I haven't cried in 6 days, though I've had some close calls. I'm just trying hard to be a powerful force moving forward, and be full of light, grace and compassion. I really do have a lot to be thankful for - a great job, writing for the magazine and my other artistic pursuits, good health, amazing friends, and the best family a girl could ask for. I need to keep that in perspective when I start to feel sorry for myself, and remember that this life is what I make it.

Little Thoughts

2011-11-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

Umbrella Wars!
Our recent downpour has made one thing abundantly clear - I win ALL umbrella wars. An umbrella war is when you're walking down the sidewalk holding an open umbrella, and someone else is walking toward you ALSO holding an umbrella, and a game of chicken ensues as to who is going to duck first and otherwise accommodate said umbrella. Since I invested in that ridiculous bubble umbrella earlier this year for my lengthened commute from Queen Anne, I've realized that all other umbrellas give way. Plus, I have the advantage of sight - I'm not hunkered down under the umbrella like all the others, but can stand upright and see through the clear, plastic bubble so it's easier for me to stand my ground. It's awesome. The little things in life and all that jazz, right?

The Train
Ah, the train. Both my favorite AND least favorite way to travel. I posted once that the train was tinged with sadness for me, because it was usually taking me to places I didn't want to go or to people I didn't want to see. Only riding with Andy made that better. Now...I don't have that. So, I improvised and have the next best thing: My amazing girlfriends picking me up in Vancouver for a night out, and my amazing Seattle girlfriends waiting here on Sunday for a christmas movie watching night when I return. And maybe I'll finally be able to write again - I brought my netbook with me so I can churn out content on the ride down (hopefully). I definitely miss Andy - a lot - but, well, dwelling on it only makes me sadder, so I'm trying my best not to think about him and our life together.

Early Thanksgiving
Had an early Thanksgiving with my group last night. It was delicious and happy. When we went around to say what we are thankful for, the first thing that came out of my mouth was "New Opportunities." My life is completely different than it was just three weeks ago. But, now I have a chance to do things my way again, have a chance to create a life with a person that loves me back as much as I love him. I never really desired a relationship before, but now that I've had a good one, I do find myself missing it more than I thought I would. I'm glad I have a chance to find that again with the right person.

Chocolate Martinis

2011-11-22T11:20:00.000-08:00

I went out for chocolate martinis last night. It's really a delicious idea, if you think about it (or even if you don't think too hard about it). It has nothing in common with a traditional martini, except for the shape of the glass. No gin. No vermouth. No olives. I got the orange one, which tasted like someone melted down one of those dark chocolate oranges that come out around the holidays and poured it into my glass, which they then rimmed with powdered cocoa. Delicious! We met in Capital Hill, which was good for me, because I'm trying to get used to getting around the city - without a car - on my own now that I don't get ferried around on the motorcycle/zip car anymore.

Have a very important "thing" this afternoon that I've been preparing for all week. It's a bit of a long shot, but the timing...I don't know...the timing feels right. I really hope I get it - I'm ready for a change. And I have a Thanksgiving dinner tonight with a new group of friends that I'm looking forward to, also, but with all that in front of me today...I still struggled to get out of bed this morning. Just one of those days, I guess, where the sadness was stronger than me for awhile. For awhile. Then I remembered I should probably look awesome today and that requires time, so, you know...off to work I went.

Sleeping has been a little off for me, lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat almost every night since the break up. I finally looked it up to make sure I wasn't dying from some rare disease, and found that it's a common occurrence after experiencing a psychological trauma - the example given was "after the death of a loved one." But then I was offended by the term "psychological trauma." Like, really? I let someone else affect me so much that it's deemed traumatic? I went to bed very indignant, and slept through the night. :)

So much change these days. New friends. A new busy. A new church. New eating and sleeping habits. A new place. I'm getting worn out from it all, actually - like I'm running all the time, but running in place. But at least I'm moving. It's going to take a long time for the hurt, the anger, the loneliness, and the sadness to go away. Or who knows - maybe it won't! Last time I was sad after a break-up, I met Andy two months later and couldn't believe how much better it was. I'm hoping that happens again. It's hard to imagine, but not impossible. But now that it's been established that we are not friends, and will never be friends, and may never see each other again unless by accident, I think I'm in a better place. I just want to forget about him and the last three years. And if that's not possible, then I want to at least be in a place where when I remember him, it's with indifference.

I'm one chocolate martini closer to making that happen than I was yesterday.

What is a Nittany Lion?

2011-11-20T15:47:00.000-08:00

Mascots
All week and weekend, Penn State has been in the news, and their mascot is the Nittany Lion. But then I found myself wondering what a Nittany lion was, and how it differed from a regular lion. You know, the really important questions in life. So I did what any self-respecting Millenial would do and googled it.

Here's what I found: In 1904, a Penn State student visited Princeton and was embarrassed that Penn State didn't have a mascot. So he made one up on the spot, and announced it could take on the Princeton tiger, and talked about all of the ways in which it slays foes. When he returned to campus, he went about making his made up Nittany Lion a real mascot.

And a Nittany Lion is, in fact, a mountain goat.

What a finish!
Did anyone else watch the 4th quarter of the Duck game? Yes? Wow. And, uh, who recruited someone with a range of 40 yards? I knew we were gonna lose if it came to his foot, and I know you can't pin a loss on one guy but COME ON!!!

Feel
Had a good heart-to-heart with Grandma today. After a weekend being surrounded by people, I needed to go home and have a good cry this afternoon. I didn't realize I could feel so lonely even in a crowded room, or with a bunch of friends. It's heavy these days, definitely. I miss my companion, or at least the old companion I had. It sucks that he had to change on me, left me to feel like this. But if Grandma is still standing after losing her true companion of 48 years, I can handle losing someone of 3 years, who really stopped being there for me awhile ago.

Apartment Life Again
I think apartments should let prospective tenants spend the night before leasing, so they know if they are living below the "elephant man." Seriously, the guy above me must have weights strapped to his ankles, deliberately stomp, and do all his exercising in the kitchen. And I know it's not just me - all guests have said the same thing. Seriously...

British Animals are Funnier than American Animals

2011-11-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

"First" single weekend (aka actually the third) is...going. Not bad, not great, but busy. And that's good.

Thursday night, a friend came over and helped me put together my dresser, which was awesome because it meant I could find all my ruffly, lacy tops again. Other than a 20 minute interlude where we could not for the life of us figure out how the drawer sliders worked, it was smooth sailing and it felt good to tackle something Andy would have traditionally done and be successful at it.

Last night, we all went to one of my favorite HH places - Sazerac - for a good chunk of the evening. I was pleasantly surprised to be able to fit 6 comfortably in my new place for a late night movie that we all proceeded to talk through, and that I now must re-watch because I did actually want to see it. I'm a little worried about how we'll all fit when the end tables and coffee table arrive, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I got up WAY too early for this Saturday morning to hit a 9:00am breakfast/football watching session. I'm not used to making breakfast, so I'll take any opportunity to have another bring a feast for me. Now I'm just taking a quick break before Kelly gets here (awesome for coming up for a quick weekend on short notice) and the gang starts the evening of more football watching/hanging out. Ducks play at 5:00 and it should be a great game.

So yeah. Staying busy is the name of the game these days. It's tough, but better than the alternative of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. It's important to grieve, but wallowing won't serve to make things better, happier. So I take each day as it comes, and I just hope that each one starts to feel a little bit better than the one before.

Stormy Weather

2011-11-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

I'm really trying not to post about the breakup, but it's more cathartic than journaling for some reason (probably because I am the only woman in the world who has never actually kept a journal). I tried to journal, I did, but...it's just not my thing.

It's dark and stormy out tonight, which I LOVE. But it's nights like these where I do miss my companion. I'd cook a hot meal, we'd turn on the fireplace, light the candles, have some wine, watch Dexter or whatever our current show is, cuddle...our townhome was well suited for fall and winter. It's cozy in the new place, which is nice, but it's missing one very important feature. I wonder if the townhome feels different without me...

It's hard now. I should spend a night like this working on my novel, but I haven't been able to open it since the breakup. All my writing efforts have been channeled over here. I do remember reading once that being sad spurs creativity, so perhaps I should crack that baby open and churn out some pages!

See, I handle rejection oddly. I get a very "well, I'll show you!" attitude which pushes me to obtain things and prove the other person wrong. That doesn't apply here - there's nothing to prove, except maybe that I can be artistically successful, too, like the band - which seems to be blowing up in light of the recent video launch. Andy edited the video and he did a great job with it. But I feel very left behind, and I don't like it one bit.

So yes. Wanting a cozy night in but not ready to enjoy it alone yet. Glad I have a friend coming over later, for sure, but wishing that time would just fast forward and I could be content again. And perhaps find a new stormy night companion :)

It's a Boy!

2011-11-17T10:14:00.001-08:00

Yesterday we were delighted to find out that my big brother is adding a boy to his current brood of two lovely little girls. I can't wait to have a nephew! Yesterday was also his 30th birthday, so finding out the gender was a wonderful present.

We had a great night - Sean and Caitlin picked me up to go down to Tacoma for Matt's birthday dinner and it was so nice to be around family (and have a delicious meal to boot!). I felt a twinge of sadness on the car ride down to not have my partner with me, but then remembered Matt's birthday dinner probably didn't fall into the established family event attendance rule, and he probably wouldn't have come with me anyway. It was nice to just have an evening with my family and nieces and not worry that someone else was also having fun, but missed him, of course.

It also served as an example of what real love and devotion looks like, which is something I stopped recieving awhile ago. It reminded me of what I didn't have, and what I now have a chance to find. And that's a good thing. Just because someone's priorities changed doesn't mean they're in the wrong; I'll never have a negative word to say about Andy - he's amazing and would never deliberately treat someone in a way he didn't think was right. But I think our opinions of what was "right" behavior for your partner of three years really differed. So I'm glad I'll have a chance now to find someone who agrees with the concept that family matters, and that you put each other first.

Yesterday was the first tear-free day since the breakup. I can't believe it's already been two weeks. That's not to say that I don't miss him terribly, think about him constantly, or feel strong enough to say "no" in the infinitestimal chance that he changes his mind and wants our relationship back. Every moment still feels heavy, is tinged with sadness. And I don't know how long that will last. But at least I'm a little closer to accepting a reality that doesn't include Andy, and be okay with it.

Community

2011-11-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to group again, wondering if it would be a good choice. But knowing everyone connected to my old life and band would be out celebrating something I was a large part of sealed the deal. No way was I going to sit at home and feel sorry for myself while they were out having a grand old time.

So, I reluctantly went to group...and boy am I so glad I did. I wondered after the first week how much I would have in common with these people and was/(am?) thinking about trying out a couple other groups, and the answer - besides downtown living and age - is not much. On the surface, most of them work at church or are trying to work at a church, whereas I'm white collar Corporate America all the way. Most are interested in finding a spouse through the church, and I still cry when people ask me out. I'm so used to my peer group being solely Amazon and Nordstrom, and while they know some people at both companies, it's not the norm. But when you dig a little deeper, I see what wonderful people they are. There are cooks, musicians, athletes...truely selfless, FUN people who brought me in as one of the group immediately.

I can also learn a lot about cooking from one of the girls, who has also offered to be another grocery shopping buddy for the times I don't go with Sara. She made this amazing lasagna last night, and I heard her mac 'n' cheese is to die for. Now, I think my lasagna is pretty darn good, but the subtle flavors she wove in were really creative. Lemon? Pancetta? She made the sauce from scratch and let it sit for a day. Are you kidding me? Delicious!

Another girl studied interior design and offered to come to my new place to help pick out and hang artwork.

And when I mentioned I need to just go on long walks sometimes to clear my head, another offered to be my walking safety buddy.
We split into guys and girls last night after dinner, so just getting to know these really great girls a little better was really nice. But the guys seem great, too...though I had to talk the lot of them out of driving/walking me home. The offers were nice, but I needed to just power home and not walk by the place where everyone was...even though it was a block away. So, I powered up Battery to 4th (because I'm scared of 3rd and Bell at night) and came back home to my little place. And the bed was made.:)

I also had a great heart-to-heart with an old girlfriend before group, so while I'm feeling unbelieveably sad, it's nice to know that there are people who understand, who are there for me, and who are proof that this does, in fact, get better.

Keep Calm, Carry On

2011-11-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

The new place is really shaping up. I'm only waiting for the coffee/end table set and my dresser, and then some artwork, and it will be done. My TV/internet is set up which makes me feel a bit more connected when I do happen to be home, which isn't often these days. Andy was kind enough to come over Sunday and Monday evenings to set everything up for me, and then...well, that's another adustment.

Now that I'm moved out and he's helped me with everything, we have no logistical reasons to be in touch. It's strange to finally face a reality that doesn't include talking to Andy every day, a reality where I don't know when - or if, quite frankly - I'll see him again. And that absolutely breaks my heart.

I was chatting with a friend who has been dealing with similiar emotions and she told me that try as you might to be friends, when the relationship is THIS deep and the love THAT strong, it just doesn't work. The interaction reminds you of what was, and that makes it hard to move on and move forward. And I don't want to be grasping at straws, at some thin friendship that gives me a fraction of what I used to have with him. And I don't want to be holding my breath, looking forward to the sporadic occasions where I may get to see him. I do see things in black and white (for better or for worse), and I want it all, or nothing at all. Except then, I don't...the internal conflict of wanting to talk, wanting to reach out, but knowing that action will just re-create the pain, is really strong right now. One step forward, two steps back.

I'm sleeping on the right side of the bed again. I used to always sleep on the right side, until I met Andy and he also seemed to sleep on the right side of the bed. Without conscious thought or discussion, we just kept that pattern at every new place.

I make my bed every morning again, as I don't have a sleeping boyfriend in it when I leave for work. It's nice to come home to a made bed, but I'd rather the pillows be on the floor and the blankets dishelveled if it meant Andy still lived there.

It's quiet when I get ready in the morning. Not that it was loud before, but the presence of another really made the quiet peaceful, instead of deafining.

I had my first movie night in the new place last night, which was loads of fun as always. We had been doing a fall movie fest, but decided that we were in the mood for Chicago instead. We drank the bottle the apartment complex left for me...then realized that it was a 1.5L bottle rather than the standard 1L bottle we share on movie nights...and also realized our respective alcohol tolerances have gone up a bit too much in recent months.

If I just don't think about the pain, the hurt, Andy, then I can kind of get through the moments. But it's literally moment by moment right now. It's really hard to just turn that part of my mind off, though. I do want to choose happiness and be happy, but I...I'm not there. And I know I will be some day, but some scars cut a little too deep to ever be fully repaired. Even superficial ones hurt. I glanced down to brush some lint off my upper arm today, and saw a thin white line, the scar from (this is embarassing...) walking into a bronze goat statue while at Deerfield winery in Sonoma. I hate that I have a physical reminder of an experience with Andy, but that scar will probably heal much quicker than the emotional one I now carry.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. Amazing friends. A good job. A wonderful and supportive family. Lots of hobbies, new and old. I just have trouble seeing that right now, though. All I see is the hole that Andy's departure created.

Going forward, though, I'm going to try to keep heart-break related posts off the blog. I find I like to write first thing in the morning when I get to the office, to just comprehend what I'm feeling, get it out a little bit, but I don't need to share with the world every day that I'm a heart-broken mess. But just becuase these types of posts will probably appear with much less frequency, it doesn't mean that I'm healed. So just please keep being the amazing people that you are and reaching out. Give me a call. Take me out for a beer. Keep me busy on the weekends.

I want my ball of string. I don't want to go through this. I don't want to feel like this forever. I know one day I'll wake up and I won't think of Andy. I know one day I'll randomly think of him and it will be with indifference. I know all of these things on some level, but I can't even imagine the path I have to take to get there. I wish...I wish I had fallen out of love, too. But I didn't. And I don't have a choice in it. So...keep calm and carry on is the new motto.

I think I need this for my new place...

2011-11-14T13:45:00.000-08:00

I did pretty darn good my first year with an outdoor garden (which I will miss terribly - hopefully Andy uses the abundance of healthy mint we still have), but me and indoor pots just do not mix. So...bring on the electric flower pot! It does everything for you - water, air, light, nutrients. Now, now, don't all rush out to buy me an $80 starter kit - which is at least 8 times the price of seed, pots and soil - but can one really put a price on convenience and not killing your plants?

Moving Forward

2011-11-14T09:50:00.000-08:00

One long, grueling weekend after the break up, I have a new place. And I hate it. I know that's just the sadness talking, because everyone else who sees it really likes it and thinks it's nice. But it's not my townhome. And Andy's things aren't in it.

I really do have the best friends ever, though - yesterday I dragged people around from townhome, to apartment, back to townhome, to lunch, back to townhome, sleep country, bed bath & beyond, back to apartment, Trader Joe's...I just wanted to be unpacked and settled immediately. And so I feel so grateful to have them be such troopers, especially when I was a ball of no-fun energy.

I held up sort of okay over the weekend. I started crying in IKEA on Saturday, though, as the last time I was there was with Andy to do townhome stuff. I started crying on the way home because I was so frustrated my drivers wouldn't listen to me when I told them how to get back home and kept stubbornly refusing to turn around. Andy never needed me to navigate, never went the wrong way.

But Saturday night I watched the Duck game with some girl friends, drank lots of wine and beer, and went out for late night cheeseburgers at a sports bar nearby. Yesterday, I only cried twice - once, when Andy came back to the townhome while I was still cleaning up after the move, and the second time was when he left my new apartment after coming to help set some stuff up. It was sad to be cooking soup on a Sunday night for one. It felt empty and lonely to be sitting around reading without Andy clicking away on his computer, or sounds of his tv show wafting upstairs. And you know...I used to always be okay with being alone, even when I was single. Now it's just so hard. I feel like I'm floating, kind of, because my home life isn't here to ground me.

Last night was my first night in the new place. I basically went to bed immediately after Andy left, and tried to fall asleep without medicinal aid. But there were all these new noises to get used to. Pipes. Pops. The neighbor above me doing wind sprints in his kitchen. But I did manage to fall asleep and get a decent amount of it.
I still feel that this is a mistake. That we're throwing something really special away. And that makes me SO sad. I woke up today for the first time in a couple years in "my" apartment, alone. Because even in 2009 when I still held the lease for the greenlake place, I spent most nights at the condo, or Andy was with me. So...that was weird, sad.

I'm torn now. I want someone immediately to help take the edge off of the loneliness that I now feel, but can't imagine sitting around all weekend doing nothing with a person that's not Andy. Can't imagine going out for drinks, watching "our" shows, cooking dinner with someone else. I want to go for sushi, and long motorcycle rides. I want to grill salmon, asparagus and corn with a bottle of the Dashwood Sauv Blanc. I just want my old life back, which makes it hard to feel good about moving forward. Moving forward feels like there is no choice, that each step takes me one step further from my life with Andy. I don't want that. I want to rewind time and wake up on a Monday morning with him and be happy. Since that's no longer an option...I just need to keep functioning. It's hard, but I'm trying. And I'll make it.

Also...

2011-11-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

Starting to feel excluded, too, from the things I loved going to. Like band stuff. I hid everyone remotely related to Andy and the band from my Facebook feed (one step shy of defriending), but stuff still sneaks through. And it makes me really sad to not be a part of it anymore, and angry again that my life had to change in a way I didn't want it to. Where is that fucking ball of string when you need it...

Saturday I

2011-11-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first day I didn't talk to Andy in some way, shape or form since we'd met. It was weird. All day long, I had to fight the urge to reach out and say, "Hey." It's so natural to ping him during the day to say "I love you," or check in, share some funny little story, make dinner plans. But I can't do that anymore, won't ever do that again.

I'm starting the "I don't want to get out of bed phase" of all this. The bed is safe, the bed is warm (kind of), the bed is dark. When I'm in it, it's like a cocoon of sorts, and I can be numb to my emotions. When I step out and start going through the day, it makes it all real.

Just still lots of hurt, anger, confusion, and emptiness. I'm mad that he threw away something special because in all likelihood, he's going through a phase. But then do I really want to choose to be my life partner someone who flips his emotions like they're pancakes? I'm mad that he stopped caring for me in the way that made me fall in love with him. I don't know if I'd have fallen for the person I know today, honestly.

I just miss my companion - a lot. And I'm afraid I'm going to judge everyone against Andy, which will prevent me from finding what I deserve with a person who sets my heart on fire...and who feels the same way back toward me.

The Target run got pushed from Tuesday, so I did it yesterday. All new everything. All new life. IKEA, duck game, and girl time tonight is the plan for the day. Right now, there has to be a plan for every day, lest I just stay in the bed. This is physically and emotionally exhausting. I love and miss Andy so much. This Saturday is tough - I'm actually going to have to make myself breakfast on a weekend. Haven't done that in ages, because that was Andy's task, our Saturday morning routine. And I loved it.

Le sigh. This sucks. But, I guess happiness is technically a choice. I'm just not ready to choose that yet. I think I'm trying to be too strong too quick. Maybe I do need to roll around in the dirt for a little bit first, too greater appreciate the cleanliness and light when it comes again.

Going Through the Motions

2011-11-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

I woke up in the dead of the night, shivering. Instincts kicked in and I scooted over to Andy's side of the bed to steal his body heat, but he wasn't there. So, then I was just cold AND sad.

Apparently people work things out in dreams, which never made sense to me - because when I dream about being chased down a dark tunnel by a troupe of mimes, I have trouble connecting that to something in my life. Last night, I dreamt that Andy thought this was a mistake, and dream-Andy asked dream-Lindsay to come back home with him. Dream Lindsay was thrilled...but then oddly said no. That's when I awoke, and reached toward him.

I told my Grandma yesterday that I felt as if I were just going through the motions. I'm not really experiencing anything right now, other than emptiness. It's so much harder than I thought it would be. I thought I'd be relieved...and maybe part of me is, to finally be out of a situation where I knew the person I loved had stopped loving me. But everything was still basically good to go. We like spending time together. We were happy when we were both at home hanging out, or out with friends. We liked supporting each other, being in each other's lives. We have the same hobbies, the same drive in life. I love cooking together and eating dinner together. I like waking up with him. I still miss him in the morning when I leave for work, and look forward to him coming home at night. That love and longing - on my part, at least, I can't and won't put words in Andy's mouth - never left. That's how I knew this was right. That's also how I knew things had started to change for Andy, because he told me when we first started dating that he never really cared to leave the office, preferred to just work, even when dating others. With me...he wanted to leave. When he stopped wanting to leave the office or band practice on time, it was a pretty big sign.

So the gang came over last night and we had lots of wine, some of the oaken gin, delicious cheese, winter pears, and I cried. But I also laughed. And when we decided to put on the Buffy musical at 11pm, I sang (yes, we sing along to every song). I really related to all of Buffy's songs, because Season 6 is pretty dark. They say you know you're in love when the songs make sense. I think that's true for a lot of other emotions, too. So when Buffy sang "Going Through The Motions," I related to every word...except the whole coming back from the dead and slaying strange creatures at night part, of course.

"Will I stay this way forever?
Sleep walk through my life's endeavor?
I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me?
And I just want to be alive."

MJ Cirque de Soleil

2011-11-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

My good friend Sara won a funny prize...16 tickets to Michael Jackson THE IMMORTAL world tour Cirque de Soleil at Key Arena. So, last night, 16 of us packed a suite - against our better judgement, perhaps - and settled in for over 3 hours of MJ tributes.

Now, I've only seen Cirque de Soleil in Vegas at the Bellagio. So, I was expecting disappearing water pools, crazy acrobatics, and surrealistic-like settings. The MJ tribute was a little different - it was full of flashy song and dance numbers, some neat aerial routines, and a large LED backdrop playing archived footage of MJ. In a word...weird.

But still really cool. It was nice to go to a large production and not have to take notes for a review later, and simply enjoy the spectacle. They played all the classics and my personal favorite, "Smooth Criminal."

It was a good night, all and all. My other friend Sarah filled me with happy hour goodness beforehand, and then we went to Dick's afterward for my yearly quota of fast food (read = 1).

Life is an adjustment. I can't wait for the day when I don't want Andy beside me for everything, don't want to immediately contact him to share in something. But hopefully it will come. :)

Fog Horn

2011-11-10T10:15:00.001-08:00

The influx of blog posts helps me to organize my many thoughts and emotions, so, you know..sorry.

I was pleasantly surprised to have gotten through my first official night alone - now that Andy is in NYC - without tears or sleeping pills. Sure, it helped that I didn't get home until after midnight, but it was more than that. The general anxiety I've felt lately was gone. I could go to sleep without listening for the tell-tell rattle of the Duke or Duchess, or without checking my phone to see if there was a green smiley face telling me goodnight or that he was on his way.

I didn't sleep well - I woke up a lot in between crazy dreams - but it was some sleep nonetheless.

I could get ready this morning with the lights on for the first time in 3 years. Amazing how much faster it is like that! Also, I didn't bump my shin on the bed frame that I still don't know how to navigate around. I hogged the covers. I spread out all over the bed. I decided to nix my favorite 30 minutes and just sleep instead.

All of this is incredibly mundane, and doesn't even come close to filling the void I now have. The ache. The loneliness. The fear that we had something amazing, threw it away, and will never find it again. I didn't date a lot before Andy so I didn't know how lucky I was to have found "it" on one of the first tries, but from his experience, he said it's not so easy. It's a shame to throw it away.

But I just need to make the best of it. Today was a little better than yesterday. It was a beautiful day this morning, a lovely house-warming gift from my old boss was awaiting me when I got to work, and I just purchased my LA flight for NAMM in January.
I can't look back, though it seems that's the only direction my eyes want to turn. I heard this analogy yesterday in a large vendor meeting, about the fog. She said that right now, she was wading in a boat through the fog and couldn't see the path in front of her. But, she could hear the fog horn. So, she knew there was something vague out there to paddle to. And she said that with each paddle, she got a little closer, and the path became a little clearer. I guess one day at a time, one step at a time...and the pain will be less, the path more clear.

Ball of String

2011-11-09T08:57:00.000-08:00

This morning was tough - definitely the hardest moment I've had since Andy came home last Thursday and called things off. See, today Andy goes to NYC, so it was our last night together, our last morning waking up together.

I'm not good with finales. It broke my heart to see him sleeping in bed this morning and know I'd never see him like that again. It broke my heart when he pulled away when I tried to hug him. It broke my heart to be sobbing and to have him be his normal self. And I get it, I do - when I've been the one to break up with someone, I don't feel sad. Just relief. And I also kinda don't want them touching me, so I get his pulling away.

But god it was hard. So I did the only thing a person can do. Put one foot in front of the other and moved forward, left the house, walked to work. Being in motion is the only time I can partially turn my brain off, because there is something so primal about it.

Right foot, left foot, right foot, crack, left foot, right foot, puddle, left foot, car, right foot, CAR, left foot, CAR!!!, right foot AHHHHHH CARRRRRRR!

I didn't think there was anger originally, but you know - I am mad. I know he can't help the way he feels, but I'm mad his feelings changed. Mad he led me on for 6 months. Mad that his decision means I have to build a whole new life here in Seattle, when I liked the one I had just fine. I still don't have anything negative to say about Andy...but I am hurt. And angry. It doesn't feel fair that I'm distraught and lonely, while he's just going along all dandy, and will probably have a new girl in a month's time, sitting on MY place on the couch I picked out, enjoying MY fireplace.

It's hard to keep active - I mean, how do I stay involved with music and writing for the magazine when they remind me of him? My good friends are his good friends - I can't see them without being reminded of him. Even certain foods - like the loaf of bread with olive oil dip, salmon and asparagus, blue boar, tuna, sushi, syrah, filet, minestrone...they all just scream Andy. My favortie foods and his favorite foods really align. Am I just supposed to not have sushi again?

The answer to all this is no, of course. And "suck it up." But yeah. You know...I was trying to keep it together, but I'm hurt. I'm heart-broken. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm lonely. I feel broken. And I want to move forward but I can't envision a future that doesn't include Andy. How lucky for him he's got one figured out that doesn't involve me.

There's a fable about a little boy who gets a ball of string for his birthday. But it's not just any ball of string; it's magical string. Anytime he wants to fast forward, he just tugs on the string a little bit. So, he started with small things - push time forward 45 minutes so his least favorite class would be over; then it was larger - skip over whole weeks; then it grew even bigger - skipping over full years because he just wanted to be ahead, and not wait for things. The moral, of course, is that one day he wakes up old and wonders where his life had gone. Moral notwithstanding...if anyone has a magic ball of string they'd like to give me...I mean, if you put it in my path...I'd probably take it. And tug real hard.

And we'll sing a little song

2011-11-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

While on our way to Husky stadium last Saturday for the Duck game (which gets its own post), my brother, dad and I were in the mood to rock out in the car. My brother was playing DJ and suddenly said, "Oh, Lindsay, I've got a song to take you back." I immediately knew exactly what he was going to play...Randy Meisner's "Lonesome Cowgirl."

See, growing up, my dad had a tape of songs his best friend had made for him before passing, and it was all my dad ever played in the car. So, there are about 30 songs or so that whenever I hear them, they cause an almost unbearable wave of nostalgia to pass over me. I don't think I'd like most of these songs if judging them independently, but since they're part of the tape...I just go with it and sing along in delight.

So the three of us belted it out in unison (two of us very badly out of tune, but I won't name names...(Matt....Dad...):

Well I was feelin' kind of down
So I rode into town
Straight to the old dance hall
Well, the place, it was packed
So I squeezed in the back
I couldn't see the band playing at all

Then I said, hey who is that?
Underneath that Stetson hat
Where did she come from?

Oh, lonesome cowgirl.
Look what I can do
I can rope
I can rid
I can brand hides
Even do a trick or two

Well, she was standin' by herself
Like a doll on a shelf
Lookin' kind of sad and lonely
Then she scared me half to death
Made me lose my breath
When she walked up to me real slowly

We had a beer
I said, "Let's get out of here"
She said, "Do you like to ride?"

"Woah, lonesome cowgirl
Look what I can do
I can rope, I can ride
I can brand hides
Even fall in love with you"

Target

2011-11-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the big target shop. You know, the one you do when you move into a new place? There is also furniture shopping, an IKEA trip this weekend, and then the big move on Sunday. These events are usually exciting occasions; this time, though, it's a reminder of what I've lost, what didn't work. A walk down memory lane is not helpful at this moment, but it is cathartic in this moment. So here goes: I remember the first big Target shop we did when I first half-moved into the condo and how excited I was to be doing something so domestic and settled with my partner; I remember the day - almost two years ago now - that we spent walking along Western Ave shopping for furniture for our new place; driving around southcenter and federal way nine months ago to look at furniture for the townhome seems like it was only yesterday.

I didn't realize that something as inconsequential as shopping for furniture and shopping for groceries was going to be so sad and hit me like a ton of bricks. I think that it's because those are very domestic activities - you do them when you love each other and don't HAVE to make every outing a date. They're a reminder that you have a home, which is something that I never felt I had after leaving home for college...that is, until Andy and I moved into our townhome.

I went down to the new building today and measured every wall in my tiny new place. I think that's what set me on this path of thinking, because again - they were activities I'd done with Andy, and he also operated the tape measure, because it's a task I suck at. Therefore, I had to make the leasing agent guy measure every dimension. They were also taking all the model staging stuff out when I got there, but the agent took one look at my face and said, "I think I'll leave you the wine." Oh boy. My coworker Sarah kindly offered to drink it with me on Wednesday when we move some of the smaller stuff over. I do think, though, that my stuff will fit nicely and the place will be cozy and look really great when I get it fixed up - which should only take a day or two, since I move REALLY fast when I've got a goal. I've been told multiple times that I am the fastest packer and un-packer. What can I say...we've all got our talents, I suppose.

I don't want to live downtown again, though. I like my neighborhood in Queen Anne, love my home. But without a car it just makes sense. It's good, though - it's close to friends, close to my favorite HH places, close to my non-brother brother, and close to my new community group.

I don't want to turn my blog into an account of adjusting to having my heart ripped out, and will work to balance out these posts with the other still fun things I have in my life. But I want you to know what's going on, as I most likely will put on a brave face when talking to any of you.

It's just going to be hard to establish a new normal, a new normal that involves me doing mundane things alone, like grocery shopping. And I don't know if the ache and loneliness will ever entirely subside as I can't imagine dating anyone who isn't Andy. I got asked out today and almost burst into tears right in front of the unsuspecting guy. It's hard to imagine ever being as famaliar with someone and happy and comfortable with someone as I was with Andy. Up until about 6 months ago, I felt so lucky and blessed to have him in my life. But the new normal is important to establish, and it probably looks something like this: Tuesday community group. Wednesday weekly movie night. Band practice on Thursdays (I was asked to come play/jam with a band recently and said "yes"). That just leaves the weekends, which I've been assured by my many friends that they will fill. I worry about wearing out friends, though, as they're all coupled up and I know what that's like - it definitely removes the urge to reach out and hang out with friends when your best friend is built in and snuggled next to you on the couch.

But if I'm entirely honest with myself, I'll admit that I have been lonely for awhile, and it was just masked because I could remain in denial as long as we were still a couple. I've learned that as natural and perfect as it may feel, that I shouldn't live together with someone again unless we're engaged or married, only because I don't think I can go through this combining and un-combining of lives again. When I next decide I'm ready to combine forces, I want it to be for life.

So...I'm back to not being where I want to be right now, feeling off target...but at least there is a target. And you never know when someone wonderful will walk into your life. My timing with meeting Andy originally surprised and delighted me, and that gives me hope that it will happen again. I just want it sooner rather than later...I'm ready to wake up on a Saturday morning again and feel perfectly and incandescently happy. Ready to wake up and feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. On target.

Turning a Page

2011-11-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

I believe most of you know this by now, but Andy and I have gone our separate ways. This will be the only post I write about this, but wanted to let friends and family know who haven't already heard the news.

Some thoughts...I'm heart-broken, yes, but more for what I used to have, and not what I've had these last 6 months. Andy is amazing and there is no anger...only deep confusion and sadness that someone I care so much about and thought I'd grow old with could change on me so drastically. But it's only human to grow and evolve, and just because I don't agree with his new outlook and prioritization, doesn't mean that it's not right for him. It's my personal opinion that it's not, but I just want him to spend his time on whatever makes him happy. Clearly I was no longer one of those things, and that's sad, but okay. What isn't okay is that I let that go on for so long, wasn't strong enough to end things sooner.

I'm scared, of course, that I won't find someone as amazing as him, that I'll never love someone as much as I loved him...but not scared enough of that fact that I wish we didn't part ways. I know that being in limbo with my boyfriend's affections is worse than not having anyone at all. And I know I deserve much more than that, deserve to have my love reciprocated and be put first in someone's world and eyes. That hasn't been there for at least a year. I also deserve to have someone light up when they see me, which is another thing that stopped happening, and I want it back.

I'm sad to leave our home, the life we built together. Even in spite of the recent lack of connection and interaction, we're very compatible people, and we had a wonderful life and companionship. I'm going to miss waking up on a Saturday morning with my best friend and lover, excited that we could do everything or nothing with the day. I'm going to miss not having to make plans for the weekend because my best friend is home with me. I'm going to miss our lazy Friday nights, where we'd cook an amazing meal together and enjoy it with a bottle of wine to unwind from the busy week. But again...that stopped happening awhile ago, too.

I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely. I never minded being single before, but now that I've had THIS, with someone as wonderful as Andy, I know I'll miss it. Weekends will be the hardest, the times when the minutes pass as if they were hours. But, well...lots of friends and hobbies, though I'm not too extroverted so Seattle friends - PLEASE make sure I'm good about going out. I don't want to wear anyone out, but keep me busy. And I have the AVOD, which Andy generously agreed to set up for me, so those winter days when I want to stay inside with tea and watch movies can still happen.

But I also have hope, excitement, and choice. I'm free now to do what I need to do. I'm available now to be open to whatever man God puts in my path, which I wasn't before. I'm free to try again to build the life I want. I thought I'd done it with Andy, but I guess one can only live and learn. I've also learned that there is lots of give and take in a relationship, but that the amount in each way needs to be equal. Next time, I think I will compromise less. It's hard, when you love someone so much and want to be there for their every need, but I'm going to be stronger next time.

I recognize I've grown a lot these last three years, and I want to find someone that helps me grow again for the next three. Andy was a wonderful partner for that, as we learned about wine, cooking, stocking a bar, cheese, health nut stuff; motorcycles; got back into the music scene together. We made each other stronger, better.

So...I have a choice now. I can turn inside and cry my eyes out for something that's been gone for awhile - and I'm sure they'll be days like that - or I can go out into the world and do things my way.

I choose the latter. And I wish Andy only happiness and the best of luck.

Fresh Eyes

2011-11-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

With the projects I work on at work - lots of reading, writing, editing, creative analysis - we often use the term "let's get a set of fresh eyes on it." It means that we need perspective from someone who isn't so close to the project as to have lost objectivity. Sometimes, it means we need people with different skill sets as they all see and comment on the same exact thing differently. Having a set of fresh eyes works great for projects, but it can do wonders for people, too.

I was thinking about this this week, because I had another awesome violin lesson. My teacher, who doesn't know me very well, looks at me with his fresh eyes and sees this artistic, musically-talented, creative being that just needs to be pushed out of her shell a bit. I've always known that about myself, but it was nice to find someone else who recognized it, and who thought fit to SAY it to me - repeatedly.

And then I thought, "Well, that's why we have so many different types of people in our lives. They help us to find and appreciate the different parts of our whole."

I have a friend lately who has been my go-to gal for girl time and vent sessions when needed. Besides fun, I realized our time together has brought forth an emotion that I wasn't previously too familiar with: gossipy anger, ala mean girls style. I've always been the type that when I have something to say, that I'll say it to your face (if you don't avoid a little healthy confrontation like a weak child, that is). But she's helping me to realize that besides having some great mean girl quips, letting my frustration out is good, but letting it out in a negative way can harm me more than help. It's okay to go into the dark for a bit, but then you need to brush it off and come back into the light. And then I have friends from way back that see me as a rock. I'm THEIR go-to gal for everything. THey see me as calm, level-headed, smart, and always having the answers. I'm able to simultaneously be strong and vulnerable, because my friends see different sides of me.

Oh, and would you believe I'm the funny one at the office? The different personalities there must speak to my Irish wit roots, even though i've never been described as funny (clever, maybe) outside of work. And then my thoughts turn back to my work projects. When I step back to objectively look at them, I realize that they are really great...and that my loathing is merely a by-product of being up to my eyebrows in it everyday, too close to it. Perhaps being too close to me has made some lose their perspective. Maybe a bit of space and abscense really does make the heart grow fonder.

Everyone sees us through a different lens, but they're still seeing part of the whole. I challenge you to think about those in your life - what do they bring out in you? What do they see? And then look at those same people and ask yourself "how do I see them?" I think we can all learn to cut each other some slack, and appreciate each other more, if we just step back and view one another with fresh eyes, and a little perspective.

Farewell, October

2011-11-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

My favorite month has come and gone in a most oxy-moronic fashion. It was wonderful and devastating; sunny and stormy; busy and calm; inspired and decidedly creatively blocked...but I still liked it so much that I'm going to live in denial and "keep on keepin' on" - by pretending it's still October until the last red leaf falls.

We saw the world premiere of a new take on Frankenstein this weekend, as it was a play our friend Sara was in. It was...long. 3 hours long. "World premiere" is actually just code for "working out the kinks." But the actor who played the creature was phenomenal, and Sara was lovely as always.

Halloween itself got off to a ghoulish start with a sighting of the great pumpkin in the King County Courthouse...which is code for "I'm a mean girl." I've got lots of code words these days, to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent. :) A good friend found himself in an unfortunate situation of which he had no control, so we came down to he courthouse to show our support. As I've never been in a courthouse before except for a field trip in the 3rd grade, another friend and I commented on how disappointed we were that A) there were no such things as Magistrates ; B) the judge didn't wear a curly powdered wig ; C) there were no actual lawyers at the hearing doing lawyer-esue things and D) that everyone was dressed normally, rather than in the sparkling floor-length gowns I'd dreamed of the night before when I had a dream that the hearing turned into a beauty pageant. I don't think as friends we were appropriately somber, given the setting.

The fall movie watching fest is still going strong. I really don't know why we didn't implement this sooner, but last week we tackled both Ghostbusters films in the same evening. It was delightful, and we've got the refreshment-aspect of it down to a science through trial and error. The night we had cheese and crackers and a box of Better Cheddars as our sole snack food was not one of our finer planning
moments. It's really best to have a mixture of: something healthy - think veggies; something to sop up the drinks - think bread and flavored olive oil / vinegar; and cheese. And by cheese I really mean any sort of flavored Gouda. My partner in crime decided that once she learned I was flavoring the 4 pound block of gouda aging in my refrigerator with whisky once a week that we must try all the flavors. The cumin gouda is the best so far.

November - you've got some big shoes to fill. But with my dad and big brothers coming up this weekend for the Duck/Husky game; my trip to NYC next week to see Andy's sister in her Broadway debut; Thanksgiving, and the Civil War - it might just have a chance. I just need the last of the colored leaves to hang on.

Blue Man Group Review Seattle

2011-10-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

I had the immense pleasure a week and a half ago of reviewing Blue Man Group at the Paramount Theater with the lovely Diana Gualda, who is a co-founder of the magazine I write for. We had some close calls with some unwanted audience participation, but other than that, it was just as amazing as I remember when I saw them in Vegas. So much fun - you can read my review here

Miscellaneous and Meaningless

2011-10-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

Grammar Girl Decline
I love me some Grammar Girl, don't get me wrong, but lately I've noticed the quality of content has been declining. Today, though, was the final nail in the coffin that has driven me to remove her from my RSS feed and from my life. Her daily tip, which cleverly asks, "Is it THIS or THAT?" (insert 2 commonly misused words) asked if we knew the difference between "voila" and "viola." An adamant YES is all I have to say to that.

Insane?
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. This quote popped into my head yesterday as I once again swiveled my circular plate, thinking it would give me more room in which to maneuver my burrito. See, everyday I go to Westlake Center to get my $3.85 bean burrito for lunch. Delicious, fresh, satisfying...and I'm a total regular now. They greet me by name and start my order as soon as I approach. But, the giant burrito is EXACTLY the diameter of the perfectly circular plate, making that first cut rather hard. So, I - without fail - will turn my plate every time, thinking that at another angle, the first cut will be much simpler. It never is. If anyone else understands math, you'll understand why.

Writin' Writin' Writin'
Super proud of my recent rash of productivity. I'm churning out close to 1,000 words a day on my novel. Another 2 months and a first draft will be done! Then...the real work will begin.

Pumpkin' Carvin'

2011-10-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

My obsession with Fall things continues...carving pumpkins, toasting pumpkin seeds, and drinking pumpkin ale. We had a great time last night at our friends' place. And would you just look at our handy work?

Sara's vampire kitty

My handiwork - haunted house jack-o-lantern

Duck Time

2011-10-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen a lot of my Ducks this season. Couldn't watch the first 3 games; the 4th I had technical difficulties, and the 5th, when I went to Eugene, I spent the 3rd quarter in the parking lot drinking beer with my brother. I feel like a crappy fan - I'm not even watching the Colorado game right now. Oh well.

I had a great time last weekend, though. First of all, I love travelling by train. It gave Andy and I lots of time to work on our separate creative projects (yes, I do in fact have one) and a view of a spectacular sunset. I was able to come home and see the lovely things my mom has done with her place. I got to spend time with my Aunts and Uncles, and my Grandma. I saw cousin Bridget's beautiful new house. I got to drink lots of beer with my favorite people ever.

And...I got to snap this picture:

Such a good sport...though he begged me to wear those gloves and take a picture ;)

Salad Substitution

2011-10-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be as riveting as its title suggests: it’s all about salad substitution.

You see, ever since the great tofu incident of 2009, where I didn’t follow the recipe and we ended up with a…uh…interesting dish, Andy has been a real stickler for following recipes. I take a bit more of a laissez-faire attitude toward cooking (a dash of this, a pinch of that) but try to stay pretty close to what’s written on the page, for Andy’s sake. And when I DO make a substitution, I let him know about it, and my excellent reasoning for it.

Scene: Monday night dinner.
Context: After a weekend of football food, we needed a salad for dinner, with a side of vegetables. Essentially, I was trying to cover the plate in green.
Attempted Salad: Pork tenderloin, spinach, nectarines, feta, balsamic vinegrette.

But here’s what happened when I got to the store…

The pork tenderloin package said it took 30 minutes in the oven, and our oven has been acting up, so I scrapped it and picked up stir fry beef instead, which I later prepared in a balsamic and thyme marinade. We don’t like feta, so I decided to use up the mozzarella we had in the fridge. The nectarines didn’t look so good, but boy did those white pears look divine! I thought it could use a bit of red onion, and we had some green onion in the fridge that I didn’t waste, so in that went, too. Then, we were out of olive oil when I went to whip up the salad dressing, so I used the Catalina dressing in the fridge instead.

I explained this to Andy, who very patiently listened. When finished, he looked at me and said, “So, the only item you actually kept was the spinach.”

The best of intentions, I tell ya’…

The Agony and the Irony

2011-10-14T10:14:00.001-07:00

I couldn’t sleep last night. And when I can’t sleep, I structure my racing thoughts into blog form, so I can really think through what I’m feeling, just like I have to think through what I writing. I can write a whole entry in my sleep. I usually scrap the majority of it, because it’s too personal, and that’s what will happen with this.

I understand the ratio of negative to positive entries has increased this past month. And with most excellent reason. But I also realize I’ve been annoyingly vague, and I’m sorry. That’s just how it has to be when I’m upset. I think it’s poor form and a violation of privacy to document names and incidents, and a violation of my privacy to lay it all out on the internet. So I speak in vague terms.

Someone told me this week that “I wasn’t artistic.” That I’m not a passionate person, nor able to ignite passion. And it really hurt. But to vent about that artful (and not intentional, I’m sure) knife twisting isn’t actually the point. It’s how it made me feel, and what it inspires me to do. And where I need your help. And when I say “your,” I mean my friends and family. The 200 of you that find my blog each month because you’re searching for some derivation of toga parties are exempt from providing moral support, unless you feel so inclined. The same goes to you cassowary seekers.

Look, just because I’m not artsy, doesn’t mean I’m not artistic. I don’t wear my “I’m troubled and creative” badge on my sleeve. I may not dye my hair crazy colors, and ride a fixie, or shop at hot topic and thrift stores, or post philosophical facebook quotes, and read existential novels, and quote Kerouac, and listen to that band that “oh, you wouldn’t know them,” etc, etc. But I am artistic, and certainly not the boring, staid, predictably grounded person that was implied by the slight. I DO have creativity, passion, and inspiration.

But if you’ve ever talked in depth with me, or read this blog in any detail, you’ll know that to be called boring is about the worst thing that can be said to me. I say about the worst, because I happened to also hear the actual worst thing that can be said to me this week, and I’m still smarting. But that’s another story (and certainly not blog-material). And when that proverbial gauntlet is thrown, I pick it up and throw it back in the proverbial “you’s” face. (FYI - this isn’t directed toward a specific you, but rather I’m lazy with pronouns. You is easiest, and I’ll use it throughout). So here goes:

My main artistic form is writing. And I haven’t written much lately, unless it’s for the magazine. That’s about to change. I think why I delayed was because I had nothing to say. Not anymore. Words, feelings and thoughts literally drip from me. I’m gonna prove you wrong. I’m going to write that story that’s finally in my head. And that’s where I ask for your help. Keep me honest by asking how it’s coming. Public declarations are the best way to get traction, because then you feel accountable. I’ve tried before. I’ve gotten 30,000 words in and then scrapped it. Maybe that will happen again. But somehow, I feel this time is different. I don’t have passion, huh? What the hell do you think was just ignited?

I’ve been a musician since I was 5. And just because it ebbs and flows, and it’s in a really long ebb stage right now, doesn’t mean I’m not artistic. I’ll do something with this, too, if only to show you how wrong you are about me.

And I’ll finally embrace another new artistic hobby. Fashion design/sewing. People always tell me that I dress…differently. Usually it’s complimentary ( think!). I’d like to embrace that more and start making some of my own clothes. Put those designs in my head to life.

I’m not going to apologize for the “boring, staid, grounded” parts of me. I like that I swim in both worlds, and can navigate both. I like that I can converse on a variety of topics and interests. So, I am who I am. And I think that’s many things.

Just don’t tell me what I’m not.

Whedonesque Burlesque

2011-10-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

A scary thing happened Saturday night: I saw a TERRIBLE burlesque show. Truly awful.

See, my only experience with Burlesque is the movie, where they sing and dance...but generally keep their clothes on. My friends had suggested going to this particular show at the EMP because it was all Joss Whedon themed - Buffy, Angel, Dollhouse, Firefly - so we were thinking musical numbers based on those shows, which we love.

Boy, were we wrong. It was act after act of incredibly amateur performers who almost completely stripped during each song. I didn't go to see very out of shape people trip over their feet and remove their bras. It was really cringe-worthy, eye-averting, and generally tense. And 2 hours long. As someone who is pretty modest and, well, on the prudish side of things, it was really not an experience I care to repeat.

We learned a couple things, though, which Sara nicely distilled into the following list:
1) It would be nice if all our pants were tearaway. It would certainly make getting ready for bed much easier and quicker.
2) We need to bathe in glitter more
3) Apparently Burlesque 101 teaches you to remove your bra at the end of your act

There were some pretty funny moments, though, when the men got on stage. They kept more of their clothing on than the women, and played the humor card to a tee. And the host was fantastic! But, overall...you won't be seeing me at any Burlesque shows again in the future.

30 Minutes

2011-10-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

A funny thing has happened over the last several years, in my time with Andy, though it's been more pronounced since we moved to Queen Anne. My least favorite time of day...has become my favorite.

I first noticed it in college, when I was away from home for the first time. There was an anxiety and dread in the 30 minutes between when my alarm went off and when I had to get out of bed. Some of it was the darkness - I used to get up between 5:30-6:00 for the 6 years between freshman year of college and when I met Andy. I'm an early bird...8:00am classes, used to always get in the office at 7:15...in the Northwest, it meant darkness. But it was more than that. I just didn't want to get out of bed and start the day.

And then...it gradually changed. My bedtime moved later, my rising time moved later...and it was no longer dark in the morning. I started using the time to breathe deep, to say thanks for another day and the incredibly blessed life I have. I appreciate the stillness. I think about the things I want to accomplish with the short day. I enjoy my time with Andy - sometimes it's the only part of the day I really see him and get to just be (even though he's sound asleep). I think about silly things, too, like what I'm going to wear.

Then the time comes when I have to get out of bed. And I do it with a smile.

Congrats!

2011-10-09T13:03:00.001-07:00

This was a great week for the Tyra children. First, Andy got a well-deserved promotion. Then, we learned Emily got cast in her first Broadway show! It's really quite an accomplishment - it's so hard to make it out there in NYC, but Emily has kept to it and it's really paying off. She will be one of five backup dancers for Hugh Jackman's new one-man Broadway show. We'll be off to NYC soon to see her perform and cheer her on!

Why?

2011-10-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

This week was trying on many levels. The good news, though, is weeks like these make me that much more determined to make the next week better. My hands feel funny on the keyboard as I type - a combination of the cold from my midnight walk and the bone aching fatigue that has settled all over my body as a result of what I think is a cold, though it has few symptoms.

The city is beautiful this time of night. A sense of solitude, with the reassuring buzz of people's laughing voices and taxis whizzing by. I tried so hard to fall asleep, really, but a series of miscues and changed plans left me with an awful "waiting around" feeling that I hate. I think I hate it so because it reminds me of when I first came here, and I had a group of "friends" (notice the strategically-placed quotation marks) who would say "let's hang out tonight!" So, I wouldn't make other plans, thinking they would ping me at a normal going out time...but then my phone wouldn't buzz. By the time I finally gave up and went to bed, I was really hurt. And then invariable my phone would ring at 1, saying "let's go out!" but of course, I didn't want to by then. So that's how I felt tonight. How I feel...1:30 and I'm still waiting, but now I'm not really expecting the phone to ring. And I don't want it to.

The nice thing about a blog - and writing in general - is that I control it. I had two conversations this week to this effect. In my stories, my characters think what I want them to think, say what I want them to say, and act toward each other in the way I tell them to. It's nice. And totally not something I would ever actually want in the real world, but sometimes...I just want my viewpoint to make sense to others. To not be challenged on everything. For pieces to fall into place.

But it doesn't work that way. Which is why we can only strive to control our actions, our thoughts, and our words. And strive to make each day better than before.

The Script in Seattle

2011-10-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

Quick post, because I'm under the weather, but thought I'd post a link to my coverage of rock band The Script when they visited Seattle two weeks ago.

Napa / Victoria

2011-10-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, Andy and I took a nice 10 day break from reality, where we went to Victoria for our traditional labor day trip, and then we went straight onto Napa for a week.

So, here's a cliff note version of our trips:

On Friday, September 2, we got up at the crack of dawn to catch the 7:30 Victoria Clipper, which is nice in theory, but super cumbersome in reality. But it was a beautiful ferry ride, the sun was shining, and we essentially ate good food and slept for the rest of the day.

Saturday was Sean's wedding (yay!) so we planned our day around that. But our morning included an unexpected trip to the walk-in clinic, on account of a very brave bee. The evening was Sean's wedding, at the beautiful Church and State Winery, which Andy and I had actually visited the year before. We took the opportunity to visit the other wineries and the gin distillery we loved so much from the previous visit, since they were right on the way to the wedding. We went to Starling (my favorite) and Victoria Spirits, where we came home with hemp vodka (tastes like hazlenuts), oaken gin, and some bitters.

Sunday involved long walks - especially down this pier we love so much - and dinner at the Blue Crab (?) hotel right on the water, which is where we go every year for our "romantic"dinner.

On our last day, we stumbled upon a bartender mix-off in the very fancy Clive's Classic Lounge (the bar of Chateau Victoria), where they were competing to make the best negroni. These bartenders were serving up some VERY creative drinks...a little too creative, if you ask me (duck negroni? yick!). But fun to watch!

The next day, we flew out to Napa Valley, but immediately drove from the airport to San Francisco, to catch the OLP friendly band, Vanity Theft. We were pretty tired, as neither of us had slept in 24 hours (what a weird birthday, let me tell you), so Wednesday involved lots of putzing about Napa. We found a neat public market with amazing olive oils, cheeses, meats, teas, spices...boy did it make my mouth water. Our hotel - Avia Napa - was gorgeous and had an outdoor terrace with fire pits and swings, so we spent the hot summer evening just relaxing.

On Thursday, I wanted to go to the beach. So Andy and I packed a picnic lunch and drove out to Muir Beach. It was a little chilly on the coast, but beautiful. A pelican stole our food though...that's what happens when you get up to go for a little walk, I guess. Then Andy made me hike up to the top of this HUGE hill, but the views were worth it. Seeing the continent just...end, like that, was gorgeous.

That evening, we tried a local sushi restaurant. The food was great, sure, but the coolest part was the drink Andy ordered. He ordered a "mojito of the future," a drink created and then served table side to us by a bartender who was featured on Food Network. I can see why. He basically created mint dipping dots via liquid nitrogen, muddled those instead of mint leaves, and handed over the best mojito either of us had ever had (or ever will again, for that matter).

Friday was our first wine tasting day, and we actually drove over to Sonoma for it. We first stumbled upon the super tiny Loxton Cellars, and were treated to very personal attention. We came home with a Syrah and a Late Harvest Zin, which surprised us both. Late Harvest wines tend to be too sweet for us, but this was delightful.

We next went over to Kaz, where everything was WAY too bitter for my tastes. However, Andy particularly liked their Zin, which we quickly discovered Sonoma is known for (Napa does Cab Sauv). So he bought a bottle, and actually got to bottle his own!

We went to Deerfield next, and while we really enjoyed our trip through their wine caves, the wine itself was unispired. So, we went down to Eric Ross, based on a recommendation from Loxton Cellars, and we were not disappointed. I don't remember how many bottles we bought from them - maybe 4? So delicious, and the managers of the tasting room are this delightful married couple that just genuinely enjoy wine (a little too much, maybe?). You know it's trouble when, as you're trying to leave, the gentleman pouring comes over and asks what I want a glass of, then fills it with a delicious Tempranillo.

Andy took me out to birthday dinner that night, at a delightful French restaurant in Sonoma called The Girl and the Fig. The food was out of this world delicious. Plus, Andy was sweet enough to pick up the restaurant's cookbook I was thumbing through and add it onto our tab.

The next day, we took a break from wine tasting, as you really can't do that two days in a row, and went to San Francisco to meet up with some friends. I also wanted to visit Golden Gate Park, since the weather didn't cooperate on our first trip there, 2.5 years ago.

On our last full day of vacation, we went wine tasting in Napa, and had a great time. We went first to Black Stallion, where the gentleman pouring actually went outside and plucked grapes fresh from the vineyard for me to try. He also pulled out a bottle of something that wasn't on the tasting menu (which happens quite frequently if you just take the time to talk to the people working the winery), which was a delicious Cab Sauv. We came home with it.

Next we were onto Silverado, where we had a lovely time, and came home with the one varietal I swore I'd never buy: A Sangiovese. Then, to push my boundaries even further, we also bought the Sangiovese rose (I am not a fan of a rose, so this was quite a stretch).

Our next planned stop was Goose Cross, but we had horrendous service, which Andy described in his one star yelp review. However, we got a call the next day from the owner to explain and apologize...and then 4 bottles of very expensive wine from their winery showed up at our home. We opened the Cab Sauv last night and it was delicious.

Our favorite place ended up being the last place we visited - Sequoia Grove. Let's just say the pours were a little too generous...and we ended up with 6 bottles from them. SO good, SO nice, and SO beautiful. We really seek out the smaller places, because that's our style, and this one was just right on the mark.

The broken phone photo

Yay for vacations!

Oktober

2011-09-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

October is, hands-down, my absolute favorite month. And while it's not quite October yet, I did have a little October fun this weekend...at Fremont's Oktoberfest. I had suggested to Andy's Minnesota friends that this might be a most excellent activity, and they heartily agreed.

We wisely chose to go on a Sunday afternoon to keep crowd exposure to a minimum. I had wanted to arrive in time to see the Pumpkin Chainsaw Massacre, but we arrived too late (yes, they really carve pumpkins with chainsaws. I'm sure it was awesome.) So, we contented ourselves with beer tasting.

What we didn't count on during that bright, crisp Sunday afternoon, was the fact that the tastings were 5 ounces each, and that none of us were really in the mood to drink beer. We did the math...and realized we had 30 tokens between us, and that 30X5 equals 150 ounces of beer to be consumed...or roughly 2.5 beers each. The idea of leaving tokens behind was distasteful (wasteful, right?) so we divided and conquered, each running to a different counter to bring back a golden-filled souvenir mug, brimming with beer. We had hefeweizens, pumpkin ales, porters, colored water...but still we couldn't use up all our tokens, and we were running out of steam.

Then Sara had a moment of true inspiration. Her eyes alighted on the sole wine tasting booth...where a tasting cost THREE tokens each. Us ladies knew wine could be consumed much quicker than beer, and we were eager to get rid of the tokens. We shared a Torrentes, which tastes just like the Marlbourough Sauvignaun Blancs I like so much, and then a Malbec (my favorite red varietal) that had been aged in an oak barrel, which imparted a nice whisky flavor.

We finished out the afternoon with some sushi, and a trip back to my house to catch me up on Dr. Horrible. After all, they are preparing me for a Whedonburlesque show that's happening in several weeks (Buffy, Angel, and Dr. Horrible-themed). Kind of nervous for that, actually - I'm a pretty buttoned-up type, and am not sure how I'll react to a burlesque show, but I guess Fall is the time for new experiences, right?

Yay for Oktober!

Fiddling Around

2011-09-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

For awhile now, I've been looking for someone who I can meet up with once a month or so to just, well, get some inspiration and technique-advice for my violin. I am thrilled that I have found a most excellent teacher who fits the bill marvelously! About a month ago, we had the immensely talented Andrew Joslyn over at our house to record violin for a new Out Like Pluto track. I was impressed with his skill, sure, but I also got the vibe that he might be exactly what I was looking for.

Andrew is a wonderful fiddle player who has studied with some INCREDIBLE fiddle players, but he's also young, plays in rock bands around town (like Handful of Luvin') and has a knack for improvisation and knows how to really use an electric fiddle to its fullest - the two key things I wanted to takeaway from any lessons I had.

So, last Tuesday, I headed over to his house, which is also conveniently in Queen Anne, and we had an absolute blast. My hour-long lesson ran to two hours before we even realized the time. Andrew's other students are true beginners so he had been looking forward to showing me the cool stuff, and it's been so long since I've been around another fiddle player that I just was happy to goof off, play with the electric board, and have a quality music session with a kindred music spirit.

Andrew sent me home with LOTS of homework (that I haven't started - eek!) but I already can't wait until our next session. This is exactly what I need to pull me out of my violin/music funk.

Feeling Fancy

2011-09-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you just want to look good. Like, really, really good. Last Saturday, after a day full of football, the two couples that were at my house mentioned they were putting on their snazzy clothes for a "new york" style night on the town, which is a little difficult to achieve here in Seattle. So, Andy put on his Burburry suit, and I donned the leather corset dress I met him in (with some of grandma's jewels, to boot) and off we went!

We were thrilled to discover that Seattle has a tall building bar - this one is on top of the Renaissance hotel. Who knew?! So, we sat by the window up on the 30th floor, ate fancy food, us girls sipped wine and the men their manhattens, and we whittled away a couple hours. The bar must have been pleased to have us in there - their usual customers are sloppily-dressed hotel guests - so we got a lot of food and drinks comped. All that just for looking good!

Our next stop was also quite lovely, though I cannot remember the name. But it was opulent, fancy, and had yummy drinks - at least they looked yummy. I switched to water at that point in an attempt to be kind to my liver. After all, I did just get back from Napa, where the no more than one a day rule got thrown out the window.

Thanks be to good friends :)

My next stop on the fancy train came Sunday, when I got my hair done. I went back to Kane, who is my absolute favorite, and he made me feel and look beautiful. A man that can say things like "you have seawater in your eyes," and "you're always beautiful," while perfectly applying dye, and then show you his art while it sets, is a find indeed. I refuse to disclose the name of the salon, because I don't want him to get all booked up! But my hair is now a lovely shade of rich, chocolaty-auburn brown. This is probably the darkest it's ever been, and I absolutely love it!

Exercise Class Knows Best

2011-09-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

Perhaps my teachers/workout videos have always been full of profound wisdom, but that I've just noticed it now because I'm in a place where I can listen to what they have to say and not brush it off.

In yoga yesterday, my teacher said: "Go your own way in today's practice. Move how it feels good to you. Keep your eyes closed. Don't worry about what the other students are doing." I heard, "It's okay to do what you need to do, to be yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think."

She told us to take a moment to fully appreciate how wonderful we were, and how wonderful our bodies are. I normally would have stifled a giggle at this point, but yesterday I heard, "You are special, even if not everyone sees it."

I was just fitting in a quick 30-minute Jillian Michaels video before my evening plans begin, and Jillian, too, was full of this workout teacher wisdom. She told us, "Stress your bodies. Nothing changes without stress." "Things can change for the better when you push it to its limits."

She told us we were not allowed to quit at the finish line. "Push through, push through. It doesn't end at the obvious sign."

When doing abs, she asked if we felt that knot in our stomachs. She said that knot meant we were working hard and releasing our body from fear. "See? That gnawing in your stomach can also be good. It means you're confronting your emotions."

Are these teachers always so profound? My goodness. Who needs self-help books or therapy when there is a goldmine of internal wisdom on Exercise TV?

Football Season Is Finally Here

2011-09-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

Fall. My favorite time of year. Pumpkins, crisp blue sky days, apple cider, corn mazes, and...football! I've been out of town and have yet to see my duckies play, so I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I'm going to put on a big pot of potato soup, just like my dad always does, and I have a couple of the girls coming over (since none of our men like football) and we're going to camp out in my living room and watch college football to our heart's content.

But I was looking through my Autzen Stadium photos, and found this gem. The best part is what's happening over my dad's shoulder...

Well, Would You Look At That?

2011-09-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Look what was awaiting me when I came home last night:

My zinnias finally bloomed :)

And my green beans are bursting!

And a vacation photo preview:

Passenger

2011-09-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

Andy and I really like the show Dexter. It's smart, dark, and does a great job of making you care about the protagonist who is in actuality a serial killer. Tough sell. But they do it with style and ease. Dexter refers to this impulse to kill as his "dark passenger." Lately, I can totally relate...other than the whole, you know, killing people part.

I relate because I know what it's like at times to carry around this thing with you that is unwanted. And while my passenger is neither homicidal nor dark, it's undeniably there. It's something I haven't felt in a very long time - four years in fact - but it's been rearing it's emo-little head lately. I know all the typical causes, but it's impossible to ignore or continue suppressing.

See, I feel this way when I feel my life doesn't look the way I think it should look. When the people, places, routines, etc, that I rely on start to change. When the things I think I want don't fall into place. When the things I have...no longer feel right. When I start to doubt myself.

And that's the worst of it, I think. Doubting oneself. The one thing I know I always can fall back on is me. And when I start doubting that, I look to the things around me to fill in the gap. And when they can't, I feel paralyzed. Maybe not paralyzed, per se, but trapped. Like I'm not enough to change things. Which, as much as it is change itself that throws things out of wack for me, it's good change that I crave. Because my biggest fear (yard gnomes and bridges notwithstanding) is that the things I don't like will stay exactly the same forever. In five years, I'll be in the same exact place that I am now. I don't want that for myself. I want to see forward progress in this short life.

I have to remind myself that I'm being ridiculous, of course. I vacillate between self pep-talks (yep, I'm that lame) and thinking that I'm insufficient in some way. It whispers, "You're not interesting enough. Not pretty enough. Not motivated enough. Not talented enough." Or, for those that swing another way, "You're not broken enough. Not crazy enough." I don't really want to be either of those last two things, but sometimes I think that's part of the problem, my lack of allure.

You see, maybe if I needed fixing, more people would take the time to check in with me. Or want to be part of my life. I sometimes feel that everyone thinks, "Oh, Lindsay. She's always doing so great. La-da-da. We'll check in in 6 months." And for all intents and purposes, I guess that's true. But if you wait 6 months to ask me how I am, then I may not be doing so well by the time you get around to it. Because I'm not going to offer it up. And I'm not going to think about it, either. It's only when asked, really and truely, how I am, that I am able to realize that, you know...I've been better.

So. I've been better. And that's what I tell myself each day when I wake up now. I say, "You've been better. You've been happier." And then I feel for Andy in the dark and take a small comfort in his presence. Now, the next thing I need to tell myself is: "Figure it out, suck it up, and go make it happen."

There's the little things, in the meantime. My best friend sent me a picture in the mail today of four of us girlfriends together, smiling and having fun. It was such a nice little surprise. The previous tenant of our apartment apparently had a random subscription to Redbook, because the latest issue came in the mail today. Andy and I were able to turn the fireplace on and have a nice dinner before his band practice.

The problems of the bourgeois, I tell you. Seriously, I do appreciate that my prattling about feelings is really silly in the scheme of things. But it's how I feel right now. So how about calling me up and taking me out for a beer, or going on a walk with me? I probably will only tell you half of what's actually on my mind, but the gesture is still appreciated. :)

This wasn't the post I was intending to write, tonight. I really wanted to blog about Victoria and Napa. But the pictures were uploading slowly (or, in some cases, not at all) from my phone, so you get this instead. Enjoy?

Lessons

2011-09-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'll expand upon this later, I'm sure, but I learned a lot this past weekend in Victoria, mainly through observation, and some still through very first-hand experiences.

I learned about finding direction; understanding love; how to be supportive and what to expect in return; being intentional with your time and who you spend it with; being courageous enough to have the tough conversations with grace and compassion; being honest with oneself and facing the facts you've tip-toed around; saying the things that shouldn't be left unsaid...the list goes on.

On the not-so-heavy side, I learned that the Victoria Clipper, while fast, has the worst organized mass transit boarding and un-boarding process I've ever seen in my life. Really, it's quite astonishing that this has existed in this capacity for so long. I'd have thought enough passengers would have raised uproarious complaints by now that the problem would have been fixed. It took almost an hour and a half for Andy and I to go from boat to cab this evening, and it wasn't much better on the Victoria side.

I think I'm a little soured on Victoria now, truth be told. Perhaps a new labor day tradition awaits...after all, I still wake up excited each day knowing that opportunities abound. You just never know what the day is going to bring, and that gives me hope.

Oh, and it's almost midnight. Happy birthday to me.